He Left Me
by Hawkewind
Summary: Set in Act 2. Hawke reflects after Fenris has left her trying to understand why. Later scene explains why he hasn't left  Kirkwall.Chapters follow through events to them getting back together.
1. Chapter 1

"He Left Me"

Hawke lies back on her bed, feeling shocked and a bone wrenching ache deep in the pit of her stomach.

What happened?

What did I do wrong?

Did I hurt him?

Where has he gone?

Will I ever see him again?

Does he hate me?

The tears start flowing and it is all she can do to keep breathing. A hand reaches out to where he was in the bed; it's not even cold yet. But there is little comfort to be had in the heat that is left. How can it have changed so quickly? His touch was like fire in her veins, but where it had been ecstasy at the time, the memory now burned with pain...

He had said something about memories. It was hard to remember, she just wanted to blank it out, it hurt to remember, but if she wanted to understand what had just happened she would have to...but not just yet. The pain is too fierce and the tears continue to flow fast and free. I've lost him and it took so long to find.

She remembered when they first met, how he had tricked them all into dealing with a problem he felt he could not deal with alone. She knew she should have been angry with him there and then, and told him not to expect her to help him any further. But when he appeared round the corner, she could feel her eyes widening, just to take more of him in. When she had met Anders, there was attraction there, she found him interesting, but Fenris...he was fascinating. Those markings, those eyes...she could have stared into them forever, his voice...just keep him talking as long as possible; she could never tire of that voice. That shock of floppy white hair, she immediately wanted to touch it, move it to the side so she could see his eyes more clearly, run her fingers through it and feel its softness. Whip thin and looking like he hadn't had a decent meal in months, she found herself instantly wanting to nurture him; care for him, but there was nothing maternal in these feelings. When he had asked for help in that fruitless search for his old master, she had agreed right away, she hadn't even asked what the others had thought. Watching him fight had been like watching a dancer, so fluid in his movement and the strength and power he displayed had even impressed Carver. It didn't matter that he disliked her for being able to use magic and took no time at all in telling her so. He had said he would have to watch her closely; he would be like a templar, ready to kill her if he felt her magic was misused. She should have been annoyed that he would question her motives, but instead the thought had thrilled her. When he had said he owed her a debt and would make himself available to repay it she gave an internal scream of relief that he would not be leaving. She remembered her heart racing and pounding the whole time he was there and that feeling of sadness and loss when he walked away. She knew he was dangerous, his anger barely contained, she knew he would be someone who could turn on her in an instant, but as an ally he would be wonderful. Careful after that about what jobs she took him on, careful about what she said in front of him, she had been desperate to seek his approval. He was hard work, but it had been so important to her that he trusted her. She didn't really understand what drew her to him, but she was caught like a moth to the flame. And so now she had been burned. Did it change what she felt for him? She didn't think so.

She feels a scream building inside, but can't give vent to it, it would awaken mother and she can't face anyone else just yet. She pulls the pillow over her face and moans long into the soft void.

Then it hits her...were his memories this painful? Or more? Oh dear Maker what did I lead him to? He said he remembered and then lost them all again. What had been done to this man that a simple act of love making had opened up wounds so devastating that he would give up on having some happiness in his life rather than deal with the pain they inflicted? He had warned her when he spoke of Hadriana, of not being able to let go of his hate and that was why he had killed her after promising her he wouldn't. He had even apologised for taking his anger out on her. She hadn't listened hard enough; she hadn't heard him telling her how much hate still claimed him. She had chosen to steal some happiness for herself instead of waiting until he could let go enough of that hate to let some real love in.

I was too impatient... and here I thought I had waited too long. You are the fool Hawke, if you've lost him, you have no one to blame but yourself.

The man that was so strong on the outside was more fragile and terrified on the inside than she could ever have believed. He had been abused for years by another who had total power over him. She had no idea what it was like to be enslaved, to have no choice over your life, all your thoughts completely given over to the needs of someone else, every action you take designed for someone else's wants and ensuring their favour of you because the consequences of not pleasing them were...she couldn't even begin to imagine what that was like. Punished for what you said or did, or punished for what you didn't say or do. Trying to anticipate another person's every whim to try and keep yourself safe.

I have taken my own freedom for granted and not realised how precious it was to him. She felt sick - have I piled on another abuse and given him more reason to hate? Did I take more from him than he was able to give, did I simply show my power over him and treat him as a slave again? Am I no better than Denarius? No wonder he hates mages. Oh she felt bad – bad, bad, bad.

This was when a new feeling crept in and shame was its name. She had been the one to ruin something beautiful. Not since having to tell her mother about Carver becoming a Grey Warden had she felt this and before that...Bethany. What kind of woman was she to treat those around her so badly? Wasn't she supposed to love them and care for them? I have been so arrogant; I always think I'm right. I should have stopped Bethany running to that ogre. I should never have taken Carver into the Deep Roads, mother was right; it was so unfair to her. I have let pride overtake me. So sure of myself.

The tears still flow, but gently now. If I never see Fenris again, it is only what I deserve. He asked me to forgive him, how wrong; it is me who should be begging for his forgiveness.

The sound of the door handle turning attracts her awareness, it turns and mother peers round the door. She says nothing, just goes to her daughter and sits on the bed and then holds her as she sobs. "Mother I'm so sorry" she eventually whispers.

"No need my dear."

The Hanged man is busy and bright with drunken laughter when she enters the next week. Varric hales her and offers to buy her a beer. As he stands up to the bar he reveals Fenris sitting at his back. His head down, he won't look at her, staring only into the glass in front of him. She inhales deeply, he is still here, why is he still here? Her stomach is in knots, a mixture of relief and trepidation accompanies it. Should she talk to him? What could she say? She sits down in the vacant chair beside where Varric was seated and jumps when Isabella comes over and sits beside her, she hadn't even noticed her when she came in.

"What's the matter with you? You look like you've had all your blood sucked out of you. Did you have to tackle some bandits on the way here? Did some of them get away? We could go back and get them, my knives haven't seen any action today and they like to get out regularly!"

"No," Hawke mutters, biting her bottom lip and stealing another glance at Fenris,"no bandits, I'm just not feeling too good, must have been something I ate, Gamlen cooked this evening."

"Well that would do it, but why on Thedas would you eat anything that dirt ball cooks is beyond me. Looks like you're not the only one." Isabella directs her head in Fenris' direction, "He's been like that for days, more broody that usual, has hardly said a word and has taken to wearing some silly red piece of cloth round his wrist. He won't say why, I thought it might be to wipe sweat, but I don't remember ever seeing a drop of the stuff on his face."

Hawke manages to mask the sharp intake of breath when she sees the familiar scarf tied round his wrist. She remembers the day her mother gave it to her, advising her to wear it when she went out in the cold and laughing back at her mother inquiring how something so flimsy was going to keep out any cold draughts. He must have taken it when he left, but why would he do such a thing? And why would he wear it around his wrist? She shakes her head; there are too many unanswered questions here, if she wants answers she knows that only Fenris can give her them and he isn't talking.

Varric returns with the beers and sits down, "I guess you two are discussing Old Broody in the corner there. Have you any idea what's up with him Hawke?"

Hawke bites her lip and looks at Varric and shakes her head lowering her eyes as she does so. Varric looks long and hard at her, coming to some conclusion in his head, but thinking better of saying anything just yet.

Isabella laughs and looking back at Fenris whispers conspirationally to them, "He looks more sad than angry this time, maybe the wine is running out in that dust bag of a house he lives in and he's pissed that he has to come here for a drink." She turns round in the direction of Fenris and shouts, "Hey! You sad bastard, why don't you come over and join us or are you too good for our company anymore?"

Isabella knows just how to pitch her insult to get a reaction from him. He looks up and scowls at them, but starts to come over towards them muttering under his breath, "I'll give you sad bastard pirate bitch." He slumps down in a chair, head lowered and growls, "OK you got me here, now what do you want?"

Isabella leans in towards him, her ample chest moving towards his slumped head and puts her hand forward to begin stroking the scarf with her forefinger, "Oh don't be so grumpy, we're just worried about you. You've changed, even more broody than ever."

"I don't brood." he growls at her

"Oh don't give me that." Isabella purrs back at him, "You are a champion brooder. Carver took pointers from you; you're so...great at brooding!" Isabella turns to look at the other two and raises her eyes giving them the silent instruction to help her out in this.

Varric quickly blurts out, "Absolutely! So much better than Carver at brooding."

Isabella stares at Varric as if to say "Really? That's the best you can do?" Varric lifts his shoulders and puts out his hands in resignation.

Hawke can't help releasing a small snicker at the interplay between the two of them and feels only a small twinge of guilt that she is the reason that Fenris is being put through this.

"Besides," Isabella carries on continuing to stroke the scarf, "We noticed you've started wearing this and we're curious. Is it some kind of makeshift bandage? If you're wounded I'm sure Anders could help."

Fenris almost chokes at the mention of the mage's name, "It is not a bandage." He spits out.

Isabella continues regardless,"You sure? You haven't been trying to cut your wrists and end it all?...Oh of course not, you're much too good with a blade to mess that up. Did you get a new tattoo and it hasn't worked out too well?...If you like I know a great tattooist who could make it better no matter how much your guy screwed it up."

They can hear Fenris' rising anger in his voice as he growls back, "I have not got a new tattoo."

"Well then, a new fashion accessory? I'm not sure I've seen anyone else do this, but I'm sure it will catch on; I might even do it myself! Although I'm not sure you'll get far as a trend setter. Fenris, as a new career I don't think it works for you." Isabella cocks her head to the side, trying to see under the white hair and find out how much further she has to push this game before Fenris will explode. She knows it won't be long.

Varric lets out a loud guffaw, amused at Isabella's continued probing. Hawke sits quiet, feeling that small twinge of guilt get larger, but hoping that Isabella's approach might lead to Fenris revealing what the scarf is doing around his wrist.

Fenris stands up suddenly sending the chair he was sitting on falling back to give a resounding crash on the floor. He stares directly at Hawke; she can barely tolerate seeing the haunted look in his eyes, but finds she can't look away,

"There have been...recent events that have made me realise how I need to stay focussed on being prepared for when Denarius comes for me. I find this helps me to remember what I have lost because of him so that when he does I will be ready."

Hawke glances at her scarf, but as she does she notices the Amell shield pinned to his belt and can't help pointing at it and blurting out, "So what's that for?" Fenris continues to stare directly at her, no glances towards Varric and Isabella who are both staring intently at him.

"While I am in Kirkwall I will now work only for you. I will no longer work for others, them I owe no debts." He turns and strides through the Hanged Man to exit through the door and leave.

The three are left to stare in his wake. It is a few moments before they all take a deep breath after which Isabella pipes up, "Well, he certainly does have a flair for the dramatic, even if his fashion sense is non-existent. I'll get the next round in."

As she leaves to go to the bar Varric turns towards Hawke, "What happened between you two? Don't deny it Hawke, I'm not blind." Hawke turns to look at Varric and he can see tears threatening to appear in her eyes.

"I can't talk about it now Varric. Maybe later."

"If he has hurt you in some way, let me allow him and Bianca to get closer. She'll talk some sense into him." He reaches back to stroke the polished wood of his crossbow.

"It's not like that Varric. Something I have to deal with myself, but thanks for the offer."

"Well, if you won't let me help, then let me get you ferociously drunk so that for tonight at least you can forget all about it. Isabella! Where are those drinks?"

Hawke is grateful for the distraction. Thoughts swirl through her head. He's staying because he owes me a debt? He wears that scarf to remind him of what he has lost, it's my scarf, it's me, and it's me he thinks he has lost! I thought it was me who had lost him. This is too much to think about right now. Where are those drinks?


	2. Chapter 2

"Rejecting Anders"

Why oh why had she ever taken Isabella's advice?

A few days after Fenris had left her she had gone to Isabella, just to talk, vent her feelings, have some 'girl talk'. Isabella knew about men...and women. If there was one among her friends who knew about these things, it was her. She had talked all evening, Isabella kept ordering drinks and the more she drank, the more she talked. It had felt good talking to her and Isabella to her credit had listened well despite there being way too many interruptions regarding Fenris' bedroom abilities. She made it seem less painful, making light of her problem and easing her guilt about how much she had hurt him.

"Oh Sweetie, I thought you knew more about men! They are all here for one purpose only – your personal pleasure, to expect any more of them is just to invite trouble on yourself. They aren't even aware half the time of the rubbish that goes through their heads! And that elf over there is no better. Admittedly, he is very cute – all that angst and broodiness is very attractive, but you have wasted enough of your time on him. "

She laughed that wonderful throaty laugh of hers and slapped Hawke on the back then pulled her close to her whispering conspirationally in her ear, "You know that women together can be so much better? I could help you discover the joys, I know all the places you like to be touched...I have them myself!" Hawke looks at her, a wry twist to her mouth. Isabella laughs again, "Hawke you are no fun! You should try something new, but I do know how hopelessly heterosexual you are. It's a great sadness to me, exploring the waves and depths of you would be very satisfying." Isabella kisses her roundly on the lips, "But I can see my charms do not ignite your flames, no matter...you are my friend and I love you.

It is a sin that the Chantry do not understand, that to live without the warmth of another body around you every night, is not to be living at all. Pleasure is all! Seek out another body, use it to take you on oceans of arousal, sail round the seas of your sexuality, and float your boat! Enough of these nautical references, I must be getting drunk, I always resort to puns when I'm drunk!"

Hawke laughs back at her, it is all so easy for Isabella, take what you can where you find it. Don't let feelings get in the way of a good rutting. May be it would be better to live like that – it would be so much less painful. The two of them order more drinks and Hawke feels the alcohol begin to ease her self-hate, well maybe ease is the wrong word, forget would be a better one.

Isabella leans into her again, "You know that Anders has been holding a candle for you for ages...That could be amazingly erotic...two for the price of one! I would have treaded that ground myself, but he can't get past the little obsession he has for you. "

Hawke splutters her beer and then sprays it all over the table, Isabella laughs loud again, "Don't tell me you haven't thought about it? He's not that bad looking; at least you wouldn't have to keep your eyes closed!"

"Isabella, you are incorrigible! Is there anyone who is not in your sights?"

"Absolutely not! Never discount anything, the most lowly, ugly, foul mouthed bastard, may be able perform magic in bed that you could never imagine from just looking at them. Believe me, I know. But my latest quest is Sebastian – that priest needs his eyes opened, he is far too handsome to keep all that muscle and charm away from the rest of the world. It is a great disappointment to me that a potential prince should be caught up with such as them. It is an intricate dance I shall play with him and I look forward to hearing him scream out some different chants! What a wonderful challenge he makes. A notch on my bedpost I look forward to carving."

"Is that all he will be?"

"Why not? The world is too full of interesting lovers to become attached to one is to miss out on all the rest. You need to let go Hawke, explore what is out there."

"Have you ever loved anyone? What about that husband you had, did you never care for him?"

"Care about him?...A little, but only as a means to an end. He was s greasy bastard and was shit between the bed sheets, and the only thing I loved about him was his ship. So it was convenient that I was married to him when he died...I inherited the ship! Strange to think that the most wonderful thing a man has ever done for me has been to die. Although I've never been quite sure if I should have thanked him or the assassin who killed him."

"Assassin?"

"Oh darling, that is a story for another time, tonight we talk about your story and where it leads from here."

As it turned out they had both become so drunk that their talk became incomprehensible even to each other. They had both ended up passed out with their heads on the table. Varric had stepped in and asked Fenris to carry them both to Isabella's bed in the 'Hanged Man' to sleep it off. Which he had done so with mutterings of how people only wanted him for his strength. Slinging one over his shoulder and then carrying the other in his arm, he had dumped them unceremoniously in Isabella's room to the sound of roaring laughter from other drunken patrons and lewd suggestions of what he should do to them whilst they were unconscious. Hawke's subsequent hangover had been punctuated by Isabella gleefully reporting to everyone how she had got Hawke into her bed at last.

Hawke remembered enough of the conversation to think on it often over the next few weeks. And while Fenris agreed to come along for all the work she asked him to, he seemed cold. Gone were the stolen glances at each other, and the surreptitious touching that had excited her so much. He kept his head down, barely spoke to her and was just deadly efficient in carrying out that work. He still wore that red scarf round his wrist, but it was getting harder for her to think it meant anything more to him than a reminder of his need to deal with Denarius. She wondered if he thought of her at all when she wasn't in front of his face.

Lying in her bed at night alone had been difficult enough, she had hidden the pillow he had slept on which had retained that lingering musky leathery smell of him and held it close to help her get to sleep, but Orana had found it and changed the bed linen, so that small comfort had gone. Her bed was just a big cold open space with her lying small and lonely in the middle of it. Sleep came hard to her, she was drinking more to try and help and she knew that was not the best way to deal with it. It was affecting her reflexes, slowing her down and they were all dealing with more and more complex situations where she needed all her wits about her, they _all_ needed her to keep her wits about her.

Isabella had mentioned how Anders might be a candidate for a warm body to make her nights less lonely and she found herself being more aware of him when they were working. She had flirted a little with him, testing the water. Had Isabella been right when she had said he had a 'little obsession' with her? She supposed she had always been caught up with watching Fenris that she had never really paid attention to what Anders was doing. Anders obviously liked her flirting, but he took her far too seriously, pronouncing loudly how he was no good for her, he would only hurt her, blah! blah! blah! As if dire warnings of dangerous demons would put her off if that was where she wanted to go. He could be charming when he wanted to be, his healing abilities were impressive. She found she felt sorry for him having to live and work in that dingy clinic, but his passion really lay in helping mages. She might be a mage herself, but she did not need that kind of help from him. He was quite handsome she supposed and his body was fairly well sculpted. She tried to imagine having his arms around her, it was fairly easy to do and the thought was not unpleasant.

He had asked for her help in dealing with a Templar plot for a 'tranquil solution'. She thought it was a bit farfetched, but he did have a point – there did seem to be a few more tranquil mages about. Seeing the tranquils had always made her sad. She could so easily be one of them herself, the Templars did not suffer apostate mages easily, she was sure it was only her relationship to the Viscount that was stopping them hauling her off to the Circle, well...that and that she usually only used magic when she needed to defend herself and most of the time there was nobody left to report her, them largely being dead. Anyone left was usually too grateful to her for rescuing them from whatever mess they were in and wouldn't say anything.

However, Anders wanted help, what harm would it do to investigate? She could leave Fenris out of this one, he would only object anyway and maybe some time away from him would be good for her. Merrill and Varric had been up for tagging along. She enjoyed listening to them chatter when out and about and was beginning to wonder if Varric might be more than a little interested in Merrill's welfare.

So she had gone with Anders and they had dealt with some silly egocentric Templar with ideas way beyond his ability to carry them out. The interesting thing about the whole episode had been Anders. Justice had appeared when they had found Ser Alrik in the middle of attempting to make some poor girl tranquil without any good reason. It was after they had dispatched Ser Alrik that Justice wanted to stay and kill the poor girl Ella as well. She had managed to calm him down enough for Anders to come back, but then he had run off. He seemed to be ashamed that he had almost lost control. Small wonder, Justice was scary. They had found the papers which showed that it was only Ser Alrik who wanted the 'tranquil solution'. Meredith and the Divine had both rejected it, thankfully.

She went back to Anders clinic to show him the papers and check up on him and found him...packing? What was he doing? He wasn't getting ready to go, was he? She showed him the papers and the relief on his face was genuine, she was glad it had reassured him and the backpack was forgotten about. It had got a little crazy after that and she struggled to remember exactly what she had said. She remembered him call her a 'shining light' and then accusing her of teasing him, she knew she didn't want him to leave, so she must have said something that encouraged him, but the next thing she knew he was kissing her. She couldn't deny it; it was a lovely kiss and after the heartache that Fenris had left her with it felt good that someone wanted her. Then he had told her he would come to see her that night, just leave her door open...

As she had waited in her room, she had thought more on what Isabella had said, maybe she should try this. Sleeping and being alone in this big house was becoming so hard. It would be nice to have someone share it with her, even if only for a little while. Let it take that other pain away.

And then suddenly he was there, looking so happy. He did look good, maybe this was going to turn out good. They flirted some more, edging around what was on both their minds, but then he had asked the question, the question he should never have asked, the question she had tried not to ask herself,

"Are you sure about this, what about you and Fenris? I thought..."

She had glanced at her bed and the memory of her night with him had come flooding back. She knew in that instant, she could never have anyone else in that bed with her, tears had come racing to her eyes, they had filled up quickly and then she had blurted out without even thinking,

"I love him."

Anders had got angry then, not at her, at Fenris, called him a dog and then left, screaming about how she might be a calming influence on him. As if that was possible, she couldn't get near enough to Fenris to be of any kind of influence over him. She couldn't blame Anders. She had led him on and then to declare her love for someone else, someone he hated, it must have hurt. She felt strange; she did not feel the guilt about hurting Anders that she had felt with Fenris. She knew it was probably cruel and hard hearted what she had done to him, but she couldn't feel regret. She felt...liberated. Yes, that was the right word. In saying it out loud to Anders she had at last admitted it to herself.

She loved Fenris.

Pure and simple feeling. No need to explore it. She didn't know why, she just did. It was an integral part of what she was now. If he never loved her back, it would not matter, it would not change. She might still have some hurt and guilt in there, but the part that was love was now locked in and there was a comforting sense of peace and calm in admitting that to herself.

Thank you Anders you don't realise it, but you helped to get me to a better place. As for Isabella, she wasn't sure she would be paying much attention to her when giving out advice again, but Isabella might be glad to have no competition in hunting out candidates for her nocturnal activities.

She went to bed and hugged the pillow that no longer smelled of him and slept.


	3. Chapter 3

"Anders and Fenris Argue"

Fenris sits by the fire, drinking more of Denarius' wine. Staring at the flames and trying hard not to think. How long will it be before the alcohol numbs it all? A loud crash sounds as the entrance door is forced open and Fenris flinches in anger as he hears that damned demon possessed mage screaming out, "Where are you, you bastard? You've ruined it! You've ruined her! Come out and fight with someone who's not afraid to spoil you with magic!" Fenris grabs his sword and stands up ready to kill this man for the sheer joy of it – it will be so good to have him gone, a thorn in his side for too long. How dare he come into his home? The lyrium in his skin starts to shine as he readies himself for what will be one of the most satisfying encounters he has had in a long time. Killing this mage will be sweet and will taste much better in his mouth than even the best wine Denarius could ever offer. Maybe numbing his feelings is not what he needs; a good slaughtering of this man will assuage much of his anger and drown those other feelings in such an appeasement to the hate he feels.

"There you are! Just when I think I couldn't hate you any more... If you won't leave, let me kill you and then maybe she'll be able to forget all about you!" Anders yells as he catches sight of Fenris in the decayed opulence of the dusty room he chooses to live. Fenris hesitates in swinging his weapon for a moment and holds it up ready, "What are you talking about, demon spawn? You come to my home and threaten me with a death you can only dream of giving me! Your magic cannot save you from the journey to the Maker I will give you!"

Anders mage impelled shield shimmers around him, never flinching at all, "She won't have me! If you had never come here, she would have let me love her! I think with you out of the way that may change! She says she loves _you_! Maybe if your face isn't there for her to see every day she can move on and let someone else get through that wall she has built round her heart!"

Fenris remains still but steady, his face blank, but his thoughts racing like nugs round his head as he pieces together what Anders is saying. She rejected him? He tried to have her and she told him she loves me...how can that be? She should hate me! I thought she only kept me around because I was good with a sword...

"If Hawke doesn't want to let you in that is her choice, it has nothing to do with me." Fenris growls.

"You idiot fool, can't you see it has everything to do with you! She can't see past you! You hurt her you bastard! The pain is clear to see in her eyes and you refuse to ease it for her. How could you have left her! She was yours to take and you left her! You didn't deserve her in the first place; she's more than you could ever hope to gain. You had the world in your hands and you pushed it away! What kind of bastard are you that you could do that to her? You said that magic spoils everything it touches, yet her magic has done nothing if not make you stronger, have you not seen how she gives all that she can to you. You can't tell me you haven't noticed how much better you are, more skilled you are, how much quicker and how much more you learn when she is about. If there are spells for inspiration she has mastered them all, I can never do that... "

Fenris feels a strange emotion creep over him; he doesn't recognise it as hope yet.

Anders shouting subsides a little and his voice falters, "I love her and she won't love me back, not in that way. How did you do it? What does she see in you that I can't give her? You can't have been more than a sympathy fuck!"

Fenris feels his own slipping anger rise up again. Anders has talked and is trampling boots over that precious memory and tried to sully and cheapen it. It is not his memory to play with and insult. It's all he thought he had left of Hawke and this blight marred idiot is trying to claim it as something far, far less than it was.

"What do you know? You weren't there! Don't claim to know why she does what she does. Look to your own faults mage and leave me to deal with mine!"

"And aren't there so many of them...Slave!" Anders spits back, his voice rising and steadying again, "Yes SLAVE! You shout you are no longer a slave, but in your head your still back there in Tevinter scraping your knees while you crawl to your Master!"

Fenris sword rises up again and the lyrium light returns, "And you think to offer her a better alternative? How could she ever be sure which one of you she was lying with? Where is that alter ego of yours anyway? He at least would give me something decent to fight against. You are pathetic! You know not of what you speak mage; get out of here before I grant myself the pleasure of ridding this world of you!"

Anders feels his rage subsiding despite the threat. His sense of loss almost overwhelming him, "Justice does not agree that I should feel for her. He goes when I am like this."

"Well at least we know one of you has some sense. I'm surprised it's the demon"

Anders' shoulders slump and looks at the elf, a puzzled look on his face, "Why haven't you left Kirkwall? "

"I have a debt to repay that is all you need to know mage."

"That debt was repaid a long time ago. That is no reason, there is nothing to keep you here, and even Denarius has given up on you. You say you have left her, but you can't really let go, and neither can she. She loves you and shows you every way she can and still you push her away. You said it was the hardest thing you had ever had to do, but tell me elf, why did you leave her? Why would you want to?"

Fenris stares at the mage, how can he admit to this man, another mage he cannot trust, that he was right. Freedom was still a concept he was struggling to come to terms with. If he had stayed with Hawke he would lose the hate that had driven him so long, if he lost that, what of himself would be left? Fear made him leave, afraid to face the man that she would reveal, fear that that man was someone he could not bear to be, someone she could not bear to be with. The man doesn't deserve an answer, but Fenris finds himself repeating the answer he gave to Hawke,

"There were memories, it was...painful"

"Maker! And I thought I was having it bad. You are a fool elf. Can't you see? Just being beside her makes you stronger, she protects and nurtures you, her touch heals the pain that you feel and she listens. Man, does she listen! Everything you tell her she soaks up and remembers and one day she fires those things back at you and you find that the pain inside your head has eased. She challenges you to your limits, and then takes you beyond them believing you can do it, and you do. She makes you feel that you can be better than you are. She does things you don't agree with, but you forgive her anyway. She trusts you with her life, her faith in you never falters. Her friendship is freely given, you ask something of her and she does it, never expecting to be repaid. She laughs and celebrates your victories with you and cries with you when you fail. She loves you and will never betray you..."

Fenris' sword falls, the light in his tattoos goes out, staring at Anders in disbelief, "How do you know this mage?"

"Because that's what she does for me."

Both men stare at each other, all anger spent. One can't find his way forward to Hawke's love and the other can't find his way back. In one thing they have found accord.


	4. Chapter 4

"Forgiveness"

Hawke sits on the edge of her bed, it seems like years she has sat here, staring into the fire, mother is gone and all she can feel is a great emptiness and despondency. The sight of her mother's head on another's shoulders, she can't get the picture out of her head, the horror of it all. She can't find any other memory of her mother to replace it, it sticks there like the ghastly reminder it is of her own inadequacies. Too many regrets and 'what ifs'. Every little event leading up to it, she now plays out in her head, over and over, searching for what she could have done differently, there has to be something, there must have been a way she could have stopped it all. They all run through her head, never coming to any conclusions, round and round, no way out.

The flames flicker as a slight draught blows through, she looks up and there is Fenris standing tall at the door. "I am here" he says. This is more than she can bear, the tears start again.

"I failed, I should have been quicker, I should have chased down this killer before he got anywhere near my mother, or anyone else, I should have been more helpful to Emeric...I should have...done something more. My uncle blames me and he's right. It's all my fault. Maybe if I had gone after her sooner, maybe if I had said no to her entertaining suitors again, I should have stopped her, I should have stopped him." Her head goes into her hands, these thoughts are unbearable.

"You are looking for forgiveness...that I am unable to give." Says Fenris coldly and turns to leave, but Hawke doesn't see the movement and continues talking.

"I've failed all those around me I love, Bethany, Carver, you and now mother. I should be the one that's dead, it would be better for everyone if I was."

Fenris turns back, curious and genuinely concerned, "Hawke, what is this? You cannot wish yourself dead."

"Why not? You would all have been better had I never been, all my actions have lead to is more hurt and death. Everything I touch turns to dust in my hands. I don't seem to be able to get it right. I should have just stopped and then none of this would have happened."

"That is not how things are, it is wrong of you to think like this."

"You of all people should know I am right!"

"Why would I think that?" Fenris shouts feeling anger building in up in frustration at his inadequacy in dealing with Hawke's grief and at her for letting her thoughts turn so dark.

"I treated you no better than your old master! I took from you something for myself and caused you more pain on top of all that you already had! You needed time and I gave you none! I opened a door in your head that should have remained firmly closed! I just did what every mage you've ever known has done to you and confirmed all your thoughts on how evil we are! I made you hate me! You would have been better off if you had never met me!"

Fenris walks towards her and grabs her by the shoulders, "What are you talking about, this is nonsense! "

"That...that night, I was too impatient; I thought I had waited long enough. I was selfish, I didn't think of what I was doing to you. I should have apologised a long time ago, and I haven't even managed to do that. I'm sorry Fenris, I know you hate me after what I did, but I will keep my promise to help you with Denarius and I'll do my best not to screw that up as well."

Fenris cannot believe what he is hearing; she thinks I _hate_ her? He turns away and sighs deeply, this is not what he intended; she blames herself for things I have done, he shakes his head, no, this can't continue..." Hawke, look at me." He turns to face her once more and takes her chin firmly in his hand tilting her head compelling her to look up at him,"You did not force me, my actions were my own. You are not the only one who looked for some happiness that night. Any pain I feel is not of your making and the hate I feel is not for you. My demons are mine to deal with, mine alone; you cannot do this for me. "

He sits down beside her and wraps his arms around her, "No more talk of dying, your mother would not want that and neither would I."


	5. Chapter 5

"Reading"

She had found it one night when they were in the Alienage, just doing the usual, wandering about and getting ambushed by some disgruntled crowd or another, she couldn't even remember who they were; so many people seemed to want them dead. It was whilst rooting about, looking for stuff they could sell when she had found an old sack, dusty and threadbare, looking for the world like there would be nothing interesting at all in it. She'd felt the weight of something solid in it, but it was only when she put her hands in that she felt the familiar shape and feel of leather bound book. This was treasure indeed. She loved reading and the feel and smell of books. How they opened up new worlds of imagination and knowledge. Although it felt that she had little time to read these days, she hoped it might be something that she could lose herself in when those moments presented themselves when she could. Who could be so careless as to throw out a book? As she took it out the sack she reverently wiped off the dust to look at the cover. No title to be found there, she opened it up and gasped as she realised what this book was. "The Book of Shartan" she whispered, what in the maker's name was this doing in a sack in Kirkwall, ready to be thrown way?

She knew of Shartan, an elven slave who had fought with Andraste, the leader of a slave rebellion. He had fought for an elven homeland, but had not lived to see it. He had been killed when Andraste had been betrayed. She knew even as she brushed a hand over the pages that this was not for her. This was something Fenris would love; it could only be for him. A smile grew over her face. At last, something she could give him that had nothing to do with fighting or smashing people's heads in and a way to let him know she still cared about him, repair some of the damage, help them to start talking again.

She wrapped it back in the sacking to protect the book and placed it carefully in her backpack. She tried not to run all the way back to Fenris' mansion immediately, Varrric and Isabella were giving her 'the look'. They knew where her heart lay, but were silently warning her, "Slow down, you don't want him to run off again, don't push it. Be careful." Anders let out a low groan, "What do you see in that elf? Broody, grumpy, angry bastard, only thing he's good at is swinging that sword." Isabella smirks at him, "Jealous Anders? Watch out or your demon will come out green instead!" Hawke doesn't hear them, just waves them a farewell as she take the road up to Hightown.

The mansion is dark as usual as she enters; "Fenris?" she quietly calls out in the entrance hall, she can see the light of a single candle shining from the room he usually occupies. "Good, he's in." She moves slowly up the stairs and sees him approach the doorway to meet her as she climbs up. "What are you doing coming here at this time of night? Do you ever go to your own home?"

"Not if I can help it." She replies," It's not the same without mother there and that makes me sad and I can't be sad tonight."

Fenris cocks his head to the side, "What are you up to? You look excited."

"I have something for you; I found it tonight and thought you might like it." She pulls the sack out of her backpack and hands it to Fenris who pulls the book out of the sack and looks at it blankly,

"It's a book!"

In her excitement Hawke doesn't notice the tone of his voice and whispers back at him,

"It's 'The Book of Shartan', you've heard of him haven't you?"

"A little." Fenris replies, "Hawke, it's not that I'm ungrateful or anything, it's just...slave's are not permitted to read, I've never learnt."

Hawke looks at him crestfallen, how could she have not known this? How could she have been so insensitive? Then she looks up excitedly again, "It's never too late, I could teach you!"

Fenris looks back at her, a frown creasing his forehead, "I wonder...I've always wanted to learn more about Shartan, maybe this is my chance."

And so it began, the reading lessons. For Hawke these lessons eased the heartache and tension that had built up between them over time. She could be near him and be helping him at the same time. She would go to Fenris' mansion two or three evenings a week. It took some time for her teaching skills to develop, but Fenris was a quick learner despite his fears and his confidence quickly grew. Their relationship slipped into an easy friendship they were both comfortable with. In the years that followed the departure of the Qunari, the lessons became less about learning and more about enjoying each other's company. Hawke and Fenris slipped into spending their evenings reading to each other, although truth be told, Fenris did more as Hawke had never tired of listening to the sound of his voice, Hawke always stating it helped him improve his skill even when it became clear it no longer needed to improve. Sebastian occasionally joined them, saying he appreciated the change from sitting in the Hanged Man drinking all evening. Hawke had found Sebastian particularly helpful in relating techniques his tutors had used to educate him when he was growing up in Starkhaven. Hawke took time selecting books for them to share until Fenris started seeking them out for himself. Each began to be more aware of the others interests and would search out relevant material. Hawke trawled looking for history books for him and Fenris sought out magical tomes for her, always Circle endorsed of course, both enjoyed poetry and songs, but agreed that singing was out.

Those years were relatively peaceful, the group only gradually becoming aware of the tension building up between the mages and the templars. With the title of Champion, work came regularly and there was regular coin coming in from the Bone Pit. Varric had discovered a talent for financial matters that had developed since he took over his brother's business interests and he gladly invested money for the group and the returns were good.

Near the end of this time, Hawke arrived at the mansion excitement once again bright in her eyes.

"I know that look, what have you done now Hawke?" Fenris asked his eyes narrowing with a certain wariness.

"Oh! This is good, but I'm not telling just yet. Open a bottle and get settled, I want to enjoy this." She replied dumping the bag of bread and cheese on the table.

Fenris brought up a bottle of red wine from the cellar, among the last of Denarius' quickly depleting wine collection. Hawke built up the fire, lit enough candles to make reading easy and tidied the blankets on the narrow cot in the room Fenris had lived in for the last six years. Wine was poured into glasses, and then Fenris sat on the cot at one end while Hawke lay down with her head in his lap. She pulled out a closely folded piece of parchment from her pocket and handed it to him.

"Do not ask where I got this and for Maker's sake do not tell Sebastian, he would not be best pleased. It's a part of the chant, but it was removed years and years ago. They now consider it heretical, so I suppose we could get into some trouble if we were found with it, but I thought it was beautiful, it made me think of you and I just wanted to hear you read it." Hawke laid her head back and closed her eyes wanting to savour the coming pleasure.

Fenris opened the parchment fully, scanning over the page at the few words there were, and began to read,

"At Shartan's word, the sky grew black with arrows. At Our Lady's, ten thousand swords rang from their sheaths, A great hymn rose over Valarian Fields gladly proclaiming: Those who had been slaves were now free."

Hawke sighed when he had finished, about to ask him to read it again, she opened her eyes to find Fenris' head bowed and a single tear rolling down his cheek. She sat up quickly; concern clear on her face, then reached up her fingers to catch the tear and then cupped his face in her hand.

Fenris raised his head and looked deep in her eyes, "Thank you, Hawke." Lifting his own hand to cup her face he then pulled her into him and held her close.


	6. Chapter 6

"Free at Last"

"If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side."

His hand came up to her face and pulled her towards him. He kissed her and Hawke felt the previous years of heartache and pain slip away in an instant. His lips were warm and he tasted of spice, his touch electric, just as she remembered. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her closer. Returning the kiss felt like coming home at last, here she felt safe and protected and loved, she would never let him go again.

Hands moved towards buckles and laces, hands touching skin as clothing was removed, lips kissing face, neck, ears as it all fell away. Each felt the heat of their bodies rising as skin met skin. He grabbed her hips and she wrapped her legs around him as he lifted her. She could feel all the strength he had in those arms as he moved towards the floor in front of the fire then gently placed her down, never stopping kissing her as he stretched out alongside. Hands reached out, touching, caressing, exploring. She inhaled suddenly as his hand found her breast and then his mouth found her nipple and arched her back as pleasure surged through her body. She moaned gently as he entered her, her body more than ready to accept this, and pulled at his hips to draw him in further. He nuzzled at her neck as their rhythm began a gently increasing pace. Her muscles clench, the better to feel him inside her and he utters his own growls in response. Their bodies build up to a crescendo and both cry out as he feels her muscles spasm as she reaches the height of her pleasure and he cannot hold back as it leads him to his. As their bodies stop he kisses her long and hard and she responds in kind. Fenris then supports himself on his arm and lifts his mouth to her ear,

"Sine amore, nihil est vit," he whispers

"What does that mean?" she giggles

"Without love, life is pointless...It has taken me a long time to learn that lesson, and I never would if it hadn't been for you."

"Fenris, from the moment I met you, you had my love, you have not been without it."

"But I did not know that and I had no love in me, none to give to you. Hate has almost consumed me since I escaped Denarius, and it was all so pointless. To kill him and then feel nothing, I think I have wasted so much time hating him when I could have been with you."

Hawke sits up and stares into his eyes, "Fenris, when you learn something about what it means to be alive, it is never wasted time. But you are right; living without love in it would be quite pointless. But I don't think that time was wasted, I learned how to be your friend and you learned how to read, they weren't bad things, were they?"

"Ah...learning to read...you are minx of a woman Hawke. I thought there would be no harm in learning to read, that it might help me feel more...free, less like a slave. And it did, and I have you to thank for that. It was your lessons, more than anything, which made me question why I was not with you. I used to smell your hair as you bent over some book, deliberately help you turn pages, so I could touch your hand, a multitude of little things that nudged and played on my desire. It was very hard to think of you as only my friend. You did it all quite deliberately, didn't you? You drove me half mad being so close all the time. I had thought to drive you away, you obviously had other ideas. But you did teach me, and that is a gift I am not sure I could ever repay. I looked forward to our evenings together; I hope the reading together will not stop."

"Oh I hope not, although maybe now we have found something else we can do to spend our time together...now that you do have some love to give." She looks at him coyly.

Fenris laughs out loud and Hawke smiles to hear the laughter come so easily, she has never heard his laugh without a bitter ring to it before,

"Hawke, those are the lessons I am very much looking forward to!"

Fenris puts his arms around her and hugs her. Hawke shivers in delight. Relishing the feeling of his warmth around her.

"So...now that you have confirmed that you are definitely alive, I have a question. Does it still hurt when your markings are touched?"

Fenris laughs gently, "I have a confession...they never did. They used to get sore at times, but that was a long time ago. They do not hurt when being touched. It was how I kept people from getting too close; it clearly has not worked with you!"

"But your memories...they came back when we did this before, you said it was painful."

"Yes, that was painful, but the pain was not from the markings...I think, being with you ...heals my mind. My memories have been trickling back ever since. When they put these markings on me, it seems to have burned all my memories away. That night they all came back at once and then they were gone, that was what hurt and I couldn't face it. The memories were of times with family and of being loved and cared for, times when I had loved also. If I remembered, I couldn't keep hold of the hate I felt for Denarius, the hate I had for all mages and that hate was what was driving me. You work magic, but I could not hate you. If I let you that close, that would go. I thought by keeping myself distant, you would turn against me and that I could keep hold of that belief. What would be left of me if I let it go? I'm sorry I hurt you when I left, I thought that if you hated me, it could not happen again."

"That turned out well! It had the opposite effect!"

"I know...that was pointed out to me."

"Pointed out to you?"

"That irksome mage friend of yours came to see me. Just after you told him you did not want him. He came here to kill me, said he wanted me out of the way so you would forget about me. He told me you said you loved me." Fenris lowers his head, he did not like remembering how much he had in common with the man and the anger he had felt that someone else had come close to Hawke.

"Anders? " Hawke gulped, feeling embarrassed that Fenris knew she had almost...But then that was also the night that she knew for sure where her heart lay, and she could not regret that, especially not now.

"I think he loves you almost as much as I do, but at least he directs his anger my way. That I can deal with. I think I realised then how little control I had over you and how little I had over my own feelings. Keeping hold of my hate was the only way I knew how to keep some control. But I saw it for myself after you mother died. I did not mean for you to blame yourself."

A frown passes over Hawke's face, although it has been some time since her mother died, it still grieves her when she thinks of it. "I think that's when you taught me a lesson." She says, her voice quiet, "You said you were unable to give me forgiveness. At the time I thought you were just being at your most insensitive, but later...I realised I had to forgive myself. I did not make Bethany run to that ogre, I could not have stopped her. I did not give Carver the blight, I don't know if becoming a grey warden was the right thing for him, but I can't help but believe that it was. I did not put the hate in your heart that made you leave me and I was not the one who killed my mother. I can't be responsible for what other people do; I can only answer for my own actions. I do make mistakes and I will answer for them."

Fenris pulls her in closer, "I have no doubt you will, my love, but I will be right there with you when you do, as you have been there when I have made mine."

"What of Varania Fenris? She is still your sister, can you ever forgive her?"

Fenris groans and gives a sigh, "I should have known you would ask me this. Not one for sticking to the easy questions are you?" He looks her in the eyes, "Do we really have to do this now?"

Hawke takes a deep breath, she knows she is treading on sensitive territory, "I don't know when would be the best time, but sooner rather than later for this one I think."

"This afternoon I would have killed her without a second thought if you and Varric had not stopped me. I was so angry, I harboured hopes that seeing her...that it would just slip back to the memories I've got back, that she would laugh and embrace me and I would have a sense of family like you have always had. But the reality was that my worst fears were fulfilled and new revelations made it all even worse. She betrayed me to Denarius; she is a mage dabbling in the worst kind of magic. My sister aiming to become a magister herself. To hear that my mother was dead and that chance to see her again is forever gone. "He closes his eyes and Hawke can see how much this hurts him to talk about, but she won't stop him, he needs to do this.

"I remember competing for these markings. I remember being Leto. Leto was ready to sacrifice everything for his family, but he was young and a little foolish. He had no idea what winning meant for him, all he knew was that his mother and sister would be free. He did not know that winning meant Leto would die."

Hawke leans into him, encouraging him to go on and letting him know she is there to listen.

"Leto didn't tell his mother and sister what he was doing, so they were completely unprepared for what freedom means. No Fog Warriors for them. I know now that freedom is about having responsibility, as a slave you have none. It must have been hard for them. Suddenly thrust into a world where you have to work to stay alive, no master to provide all your needs, even if that master is cruel and all your needs are paid for in blood and sweat, to have that taken away suddenly...I think I understand why Varania is so bitter towards me. Varania was wrong about one thing. I did not ask for these markings. No one knew that winning that competition meant that Denarius had a subject to experiment on. "

Hawke looks at him,"A competition where no one wins, except maybe Denarius who didn't compete. Do you still want to kill Vanaria?"

"No Hawke I don't, but I am still angry with her. Betrayal of family is hard to forgive and to do it so she could train to be a magister...I think I need time. Her chance to be a magister is now gone with Denarius; I have paid someone to watch her, to see what she does next. If another betrayal is coming I want to be ready, but we shall see what she does. You are the one who is good at giving people second chances, I don't know if I have it in me to do that." He gives Hawke a small smile; she knows he is going to be all right.

"So you are having someone watch her just as you watched me?" Hawke asks with mock outrage. Fenris laughs at her and ruffles her hair,

"Yes sweet mage, a personal Templar ready to cut off your head should those demons prove too much for you. I had better warn the man...watch too closely and she'll cast a spell to make you love her, then head cutting will be impossible."

"_Make_ you love her?" Hawke asks indignantly, "I don't remember any spell casting for that."

"Hawke, you do it with your ass, following behind you watching that backside is mesmerising, it casts spells all of its own." Hawke thumps him on the shoulder with her fist; he laughs and pulls her in towards him again.

"Enough...Now what about these new lessons..."

Varric stomps into Fenris' mansion running up the stairs shouting at the top of his voice, "Hey Fenris, have you seen Hawke? She's been missing for days. No one has seen her and we've got work to do!" He breezes into the room and stops dead in his tracks,

"Oh Andraste's ass Hawke! I don't need to get this close for a story! Fenris, for the Ancestor's sake put some clothes on! These are parts of a male elf I never ever wanted to see! If you two are going to continue doing this for Maker's sake learn to close your door!"

He turns his back to the sound of Hawke's giggles and Fenris muttering under his breath about some people having no respect for other people's privacy, and shouts down to Isabella, "It's alright I've found her! But don't go up, they're not decent!"

Isabella squeals in delight and immediately runs up the stairs, Varric trying desperately to stop her to no avail as she dashes past him straight into the room. All he hears is Isabella directing a stream of entirely indecent questions at her friend. Varric rubs his head with his hand in despair.

Fenris, fully dressed, comes out to stand beside Varric and says nothing.

"Well elf, I don't know how you did it, but at long last you have come to your senses, but let me tell you if you hurt her again, Bianca will be having an intimate conversation with you."

"If I do dwarf, I will not talk back."


	7. Chapter 7

"The Rite of Annulment"

Hawke sits in the nest made by Fenris' legs in front of the fire in his room, this is a safe place for her, and she can lean into his chest, feel his strength at her back and bask in his warmth and know that he won't be going anywhere, not now. Fenris finds himself at peace when they are like this, the rage subsides and he finds himself absent-mindedly rubbing her back, kissing her neck or just pulling her into him as if to reassure himself she is still there. The feel of her skin and her scent calms him like nothing else can. From here they can talk, make love or read. He has his arms around her and holds scrolls in his hands as Hawke has a book in hers. They have sat like this many times, creating their own little bit of serenity and shutting themselves off for a while from a world that is slowly going mad, comfortable in the silence whilst they both read. Occasionally, Fenris will check a word he's not sure of with her, sometimes they will read to each other.

But not this time.

Fenris feel the shiver move right through her body and feels that the world outside has suddenly invaded their cocoon.

"What are you reading?" he can't help from keeping the tension in his voice.

"It's 'The Rite of Annulment', First Enchanter Orsino mentioned it. I didn't know what it was and it didn't seem the time to ask him, so I asked Sebastian to get a copy of it for me. It's not good Fenris." Her voice has lost the light tone it usually has, and is filled with deep sadness; he feels a knot creep into the pit of his stomach,

"I remember him mentioning it, but I never thought more, but what do you mean, 'It's not good'? From the way you trembled, I take it is indeed really bad."

Hawke leans heavily into him and closes her eyes, never before has she felt the weight of the title of Champion bear so heavily down on her,

"It is an old rite. One that gives the Templars the permission to purge a circle entirely. All mages within a circle are killed. _All_ of them Fenris. Not just experienced mages or those that have turned to demons, the entire population of the circle is killed, the apprentices, the tranquil, the servants, even the children. It is supposed to be done only when a demon has possessed a mage and there is a threat that it will escape. The Grand Cleric has the power to grant it. I don't think Elthina would unless there was a genuine threat and there has been no sign of anything like that within the circle here, plenty of it outside the circle, but none inside. But I think Orsino fears that Meredith will invoke it anyway.

"I have no love of the circle, it is a miracle I am not there right now, but my father taught me to respect what they do. I think he was trying to find another way of doing things. He and mother could not bear the thought of me leaving them and going into the circle when my talent started to appear, so he taught me himself. He always said he was teaching me the same way had I been taken there, but it can't have been the same. He loved me and was always there to protect me and he made sure I came to no harm. I was able to go and explore the world around me. I was not shut up in a windowless prison. I made friends and grew up like anyone who does not have the skill. All I did differently was avoid Templars!

I know you don't like most mages, but this ...this is an evil act Fenris. I cannot let it happen."

He responds carefully, "You know that the circle here has many problems, are you sure this would not be the answer?"

"Fenris, is your hate of mages still so strong that you would condone this?" She looks round at him, shock clearly written in her face that he does not agree with her instantly.

"Hawke, you have seen what mages have done in this city. Orsino is losing what little control he had over them himself. He has let them escape from the circle time and time again. They are all so quick to use blood magic that they are completely unable to contain, he cannot be teaching them well of the dangers of this and he spends most of his time berating Meredith, shouting in the street, when he should be in the circle watching his charges. Remember also how many times we have fought demons that seem to find it easy to possess people here, not just mages. The circle is letting the people of the city down that these things can occur so often. The mages are supposed to serve, what evidence of serving have we seen here? You are the only one I know that is doing any serving in this city."

"Anders has done a lot." She snaps back at him immediately.

Fenris has to consciously hold back anger just at the mention of the mage's name, and manages to control it enough to keep his voice quiet as he continues,

"That mage may well be healing and serving people in that way, but he is an abomination and so he is dangerous as well. You cannot be sure how much longer he will be able to hold back, it is just a matter of time before he does hurt someone instead. Besides, he is not part of the circle, where are the healing mages in the circle who should be doing this work so that he does not have to? The circle does nothing, but sits and complains about a lack of freedom they have yet to earn."

"Is freedom to be earned Fenris? Surely it is a right; I had thought you might have more understanding of that."

"Freedom is a right, but where mages are concerned they must be able to show they can be trusted. In Tevinter it is treated as a right for mages and look how they abuse their power, denying freedom to everyone else. Meredith may be strict in her application of control over mages, but with Orsino applying so little discipline, what choice does she have?"

Hawke frowns,"You are right to question how the circle operates. In Kirkwall it does seem to do it badly, but all the trouble we have encountered has been outside the circle. The mages we battle with are all outside of it. What good will a Rite of Annulment have in dealing with them? I know there are many mages inside the circle who would leap at the chance of such freedom they have in Tevinter and abuse it just as much, but what of all the ones who wouldn't? These people are innocent and they do not deserve to die. What of the mages I have persuaded to return to the circle, like Emile and Feynriel, have I just given them a death sentence?" Hawke buries her head in her hands and Fenris wraps his arms around her,

"Why are you fretting so much over this anyway? It hasn't happened. Meredith cannot do this without Elthina's permission; Elthina will not do it without consulting the Divine. It is not going to happen."

"I hope you are right, Orsino could have mentioned it solely to try and push my support for him. But please tell me you think this rite is barbaric,"

"I do not think it would be so barbaric if it was done for the reasons it gives in the book you are reading. A rogue demon cannot be allowed to escape into the world, which would kill far more people than carrying out this rite would. I cannot imagine it would be pleasant for the Templars to perform or that it would be done lightly, but it would be less distressing than the death and destruction a demon would wreak and that is the only reason it would be necessary. If it were not done for those reasons, I do think it would be an unusually cruel thing to do."

"Would you still think this if I was in the circle?"

"If you were in the circle, I would perform the rite myself to get you out of there."


	8. Chapter 8

"If there is a future to be had..."

Fenris hears her enter the mansion long before he sees her. No attempt at being quiet or trying to creep up and surprise him with a kiss from behind this time. No, not this time, her boots echo in the dusty emptiness of the reception hall, he can hear her anger from the sound as she climbs the stairs. She strides into the room to stand staff in hand and he struggles to think for a split second what he has done wrong that she might want to send him to the maker.

"Those bastards kidnapped my brother. MY BROTHER! They used blood magic on my brother! They were going to kill him up until they decided I was a better target."

Fenris can do nothing but stay still and listen to her vent her anger as she paces back and forth spitting out the story of the trip to the Wounded Coast. Maker, she looks glorious when she's angry!

"I had some sympathy for their cause, mages and templars working together. Thrask was there, you know Thrask, remember him? Trying hard to make sure mages were treated sympathetically? That bitch Grace turned on him, on me! You do nothing but good stuff, try and help them and then they turn on you like this. Fenris, they took Carver so they could get to me. I haven't seen him since the Qunari fiasco and the first time I see him is unconscious on the ground surrounded by a bunch of self righteous, blood crazed...Ahhh! I can't think of enough good bad things to call them! I swear I thought he was already dead. I can't let this damned place take any more of my family."

She marches to stand in front of him, anger beginning to dissipate and he can see that frustration and tears are beginning to win through,

"Where do you want to go? Let's leave right now. I can't stand any more of this. I don't want to be a Champion any more. Let's just go and leave them to their squabbling, if I'm out of the way they'll have to work it out."

Fenris takes a breath and puts his hands on her shoulders, "I take it Carver is still breathing and you exacted retribution in your usual dazzling style?"

"Naturally." She says simply. Then her wry grin appears. "Oh yes... retribution was exacted most dazzlingly."

He runs his fingers down her face, "Then for the moment let us celebrate your victory, and celebrate your brother's continuing existence. You are beautiful when you're angry...I find it...very arousing."

She grabs his head in her hands and pulls him in to kiss him hard.

"Oh Maker...Yes please." She manages to mumble as they hurry to take off each other's armour...

They lie in bed languidly, all anger spent and content in the aftermath of their passion. Hawke gently traces the lyrium markings on Fenris' body as he plays with her hair and ears.

"Did you mean what you said earlier about leaving Kirkwall?" asks Fenris.

"What would you say if I said yes?"

"It matters little to me what you want to do, I'll be with you whatever you decide, I'm just curious as to where you will be taking me."

Hawke turns into him and looks into his eyes, "I wouldn't go anywhere without you." She smiles and then frowns,

"There is nothing to keep me here anymore. Mother and Bethany are gone; Carver is with the Grey Wardens. I've been talking to the rest of the gang. They are getting ready to move on. It seems like I am the only reason they stay and I don't like feeling that I'm holding them back.

"What are they saying?"

"Aveline teased me about going back to Ferelden, becoming a soldier again, but I think she would like to do it. I know she's very loyal to the guard here, but Ostagar is still fresh in her mind. I think she wants some closure on that time and she won't get that here. If Donnic agrees to go with her, I think she will go. Has he mentioned anything to you?"

"Not much, although our card nights now end up where we drunkenly console ourselves for having the bad luck for falling for strong women and how we should just put rings through our noses for you to lead us about..."

Hawke laughs and playfully thumps his shoulder, "I see Aveline is not the only one who wants to tease these days."

"Who says I was teasing?" he laughs back at her.

"Anyway...Varric is becoming more involved with his business ventures. I think he is beginning to enjoy it despite how much he protests. I think he feels he has lived enough adventures and is now more content to tell the stories about them. Merrill would like to continue her studies into elven history."

"As long as the witch just reads about it and doesn't try to recreate it again. We know how well that turned out." Fenris growls.

"Leave her be, Fenris. She has learnt a painful lesson and I feel responsible for how that turned out." She sighs, feeling regret that Merrill can never return to her people and at the death of Marathari.

"Sebastian is about to take his final vows. Once he is fully integrated into the Chantry, he will no longer want to be seen with us. We break far too many of the rules; it wouldn't be fair to compromise him like that."

"That might not be so bad. He is a good friend to me, but I tire of his preaching. If I am to find a way to the maker, I'll do it my own way." Fenris reflects.

"Bodahn has been making arrangements for him and Sandal to go and work in the Orlesian court. I will miss them both when they go. Anders is different, he just talks like there is no tomorrow. He's up to something, but he won't tell me what it is."

"Why would you worry about him? He has done nothing but thrust his mage manifesto under your nose all the time. He is too extreme in his ideas. It doesn't help."

"He has been a good friend to me Fenris, despite what you think. You two sniping at each other all the time is the thing that hasn't helped."

"He would take you away from me if he thought he could. I reserve the right to snipe at him as much as I wish." Hawke smiles to herself, the spiteful tone that Fenris usually has when he speaks of Anders has lessened.

"The most interesting thing has been talking with Isabella. Now that she has her ship, she will go. She says she's only staying to see what happens with me, but that won't last for long. The pull of the sea will draw her and she will be gone. She has offered to make me a member of her crew..."

She looks up at Fenris, a hint of a challenge in her face. He looks back at her,

"Really? That's what you want to do?"

"Maybe I'm romanticising...a life on the ocean wave and all that, but since she mentioned it, I have thought about it a lot. To be able to explore and see places I've only read about. To go where no one knows who I am. To leave all this tortuous arguing behind. No responsibilities. To be completely free to do whatever you want."

"Hmm...eating terrible food, listening to sailors singing, feeling sick all the time, squeezing into a small cabin, getting caught in storms and having to do what Isabella tells you to do...very appealing." He has trouble keeping the sarcastic tone to a minimum.

"Is it really so bad? Would you hate it that much?"

"As long as you are there, I think I could manage, the small cabin might be fun! But I state it now – _No_ 'alone time' for me with Isabella – that is the deal breaker, and absolutely no parrots and hoopy earrings."

Hawke laughs as she has not laughed in a long time. She hugs Fenris, glad that he will do this for her.

"Well my old shipmate. I'll talk to Isabella tomorrow. After I've spoken to Orsino, he sent a letter asking me to see him urgently, I should do that first."


	9. Chapter 9

Another missing scene. Sorry they are not in order now, but I'm sure you'll figure it out!

'A Mother's Tale'

Hawke rushes into her home, desperate to remove the dusty , bloodied robes and enjoy languishing in a hot bath before it is time to dress and be on her way again. Bodahn stops her on her way to Orana, about to ask the slight elf for her help in getting rid of a particularly nasty stain.

"Messere, your mother asked me to catch you the next time you came home. She wishes to talk with you in her room."

Hawke feels her stomach lurch, remembering times as a child when her mother asked for a 'chat'. What has she done wrong now? Then she feels a hint of shame, she has spent so little time with her mother. Always in a rush, out chasing down the basest that Kirkwall has to offer, investigations for the Viscount, helping out friends. Those things have all taken priority over the one person who should come first. With Bethany and Carver gone, she is all her mother has left and if she is honest with herself, she has been using the excuse of working to avoid her mother.

Mother had mentioned that she would try to find a husband for her, was that what this was about? Had she found someone who she thought was suitable son-in-law material. Maker, she hoped not. She knew the invitations had been coming in from all the nobles in Kirkwall, keen to reacquaint themselves with the mother of the woman who had returned wealthy from the Deep Roads. Hawke had no doubts in her own mind that it was the riches that attracted them and not the Amell name. Did her mother really harbour dreams of the Amells returning to the pinnacle of Kirkwall society? She fervently hoped not as she knew if her mother asked her to attend these tea parties and dances she could not refuse.

Isabella would have a field day, the teasing and sarcastic remarks would be relentless. Varric would encourage her to go and act as a spy on what all the nobility were up to. Sebastian would offer to act as a chaperone, which might not be so bad, but then her mother might harbour hopes of even higher status for her daughter. She shivered at the thought, a farm girl from Lothering becoming a princess? Never! Merrill would probably try to sneak in with her under her skirts. Anders would give her a pile of copies of his manifesto to dish out. Aveline would snort in disgust and ask her to try not to steal the silver. As for Fenris, she sighed knowing Fenris would do nothing and that would be the worst of all.

Settling for a good wash, Hawke changes her clothes and walks slowly to her mother's bedroom door. Patting out creases at the front of her dress and combing her fingers through her hair, she takes a deep breath before finally knocking gently.

"Come on in darling, I'll only be a moment." Mother's voice carries through the heavy oak. The door opens on a large room filled with the late afternoon sun giving a golden hue to everything in it. Mother sits at the desk before the window, a small pile of envelopes at the side and looks like she is finishing off another letter to be added to the pile.

Hawke looks round the room which is clean and neat, Hawke knows mother does her own cleaning in here as she refuses to let Orana in. The four poster bed is festooned with rich red brocades which match the bedcover. The dressing table still has the pots of make up on it that fascinated Hawke when she was young as well as the necklaces hooked on to the edge of the mirror, the reason behind many of the 'chats' she had had with her mother as a child. The pile of books on the bedside table give away her mother's long time habit of reading before going to sleep, Hawke smiles as she remembers asking her father why mother was allowed to read in bed while she had to sit at the table, "If you were allowed to read in bed we would never get you out of it!" he had replied tousling her hair and shooing her out the farmhouse to catch up with Bethany.

Mother finishes her letter writing and ushers her daughter to sit in one of the two armchairs in front of the fire. "Letters to Lothering, I made so many good friends there and now all of us are cast to the four winds and Lothering is no more. Come and sit, please. We have talked so little since we moved into this house, sometimes I wonder if we would have been better giving it to your uncle Gamlen and just have stayed in Lowtown."

Hawke stares at her mother aghast, "You don't really mean that do you?"

"No, not really, but it does seem like we were closer back in that dirty hovel he calls home. That's what I miss. Sandal is charming company, but he's not you. Carver is away. Your friends check up on me at times, but only Aveline will spend time talking. A good girl that one."

"I'm sorry mother, I shouldn't spend so much time away from you." Hawke looks down at her hands, feeling very much like a little girl again.

"Oh, don't worry, I know what you do is important, even if it's not all above board. It's just sometimes I would like to hear what you're up to from you instead of eavesdropping on conversation in the market. It does sound exciting, just miss out the dangerous parts, my mother's heart couldn't take it, even though I know you can take care of yourself. I think I know more about what Carver is up to than you!"

"He sends you letters?" Hawke asks feeling guilt course through her for having taken him to the Deep Roads. He has sent her none, only one was addressed to the family. He must still resent her so much for forcing him to become a Grey Warden, would he really rather have died?

"He sends them when he can. I wish I could see him again, but he feels closer to me when one of his letters arrive. He can't tell me much, but it sounds like he is doing all right. Don't feel bad, he would have blamed me if you hadn't taken him with you, my boy is still alive and I have you to thank for that."

"It's Anders you should be thanking, if he hadn't been there...I should never have taken him. He was just so insistent. I wanted to do it to help our family, it just seemed right that he was part of it."

Mother reaches out her hand to sit on top of her own, squeezing gently. "Don't blame yourself. I know how much your brother hated feeling like he was always second best. I could never get through to him that he meant just as much to me as you and Bethany. This way he has to learn to be his own man. I'm not sure there could be any other way for him. I may be his mother, but I am not blind to his faults."

Hawke returns the hand squeeze, "As I am sure you are not blind to mine."

Mother pats her hand and sits back in her chair taking her own warm comforting hand away from Hawke's again. "I'm not sure this is a fault, but it's why I asked Bodahn to catch you." Mother looks directly into her face and raises one eyebrow, "An elven slave? I hope you know what you're doing."

Hawke bows her head, trying desperately to hide the colour that comes to her face and the tears that threaten to come to her eyes. No, her mother is definitely not blind. Mother sits quiet, waiting like she always has done when her daughter has done something she can't understand, waiting patiently for an explanation. This is different though, she hasn't just pulled Bethany's pigtails, or risen to Carver's dare to walk right in front of a Templar. This is Fenris and she is not a child any more. Would her mother really understand?

"Yes, an elven slave. Not only that, he hates mages, has a terrible temper, goes into moods that would make the black city look merely gray and has a thirst for revenge that eclipses all other feelings he has. I think I have hurt him, so badly he can barely look at me. I think he would kill me if he thought I had so much as listened to a demon whisper in my ear. So no, mother, I'm not sure I have any idea what I'm doing. I just can't seem to do anything else."

Her mother gives her a small smile, "He sounds just like your father."

Hawke lifts her head immediately to look back at her mother, "He is nothing like father!"

Leandra gets out of the chair to go and stand at the window, "Your father wasn't always the man that you saw. He was very different before you were born. I loved him because I knew the man he could be, just like you love your elf." She turns to look at her daughter, a piece of her delighting at the disbelief showing on her face. "I've never told you how we met or how we all ended up in Ferelden have I?"

"No, but I did find out how Carver got his name."

"Ah, I remember him. The sweetest Templar you could ever meet. Your grandmother screamed at me that it would be better I run off with him rather than your father. Maybe it would have, but I didn't love him."

Leandra turns back to the window, basking in the last warmth of the day,

"I remember Solivitas's master, when he ran that stall in the Gallows. Solivitas was just a young man then, sent all over the place to find stock for his master to sell. That stall has always been the best place to get ingredients. Your grandparents had only just started showing symptoms, but the circle healer said their magic would never be able to do more than ease things. He said it would be easier and cost far less to buy potions and ease their symptoms. I decided I would learn how to make them myself, not the done thing for a noble lady, but I was bored with needlework and lute playing as hobbies.

I was browsing when this mage came up beside me. I just looked at this dark handsome man and I was lost there and then. It was the strangest and most wonderful thing. He turned to me and smiled and started browsing while I just stared. He made to leave and I knew in that moment if I let him go I might never see him again and I would know only deep regret for the rest of my life. I put my hand on his forearm and stopped him and asked him his name, "I am Malcolm Hawke." He said, "We need to talk you and I, don't we?" We sat on the Gallows stairs, if my mother had seen me, she would have whipped me all the way back to Hightown. I don't even remember what we spoke about, that first time, but it was probably like all the other times we sat on those stairs. Him explaining he was a mage, telling me to not turn up the next week, it would be all right, he would not be offended. But I always turned up.

He started getting angry at me, told me of the dire things that could happen to me, to him if we didn't stop. But neither of us could do it. He always turned up, just like me. Then we arranged to meet in the courtyard of this house. He would sneak out of the circle at night. I don't know how he managed it, but I suppose they weren't so strict with the mages then. I would sneak out of here and we would meet and kiss under the moonlight. He still got angry, at me, at the circle, at the templars and the Chantry, warned me he could never marry me, never give me the life I had. But still we didn't stop.

Maybe I was young and foolish. Not really understanding what he was trying to tell me, I don't think I truly believed that the Maker could be so cruel as to part me from this man. All the time this was happening, your grandparents were negotiating my marriage contract with the Comte De Launcet's family. I just ignored it. I really was so naive. I just assumed that my life would work out like it did in all those stupid romantic novels I read. Then reality came finally and hit me. I became pregnant with you.

Your father knew before I did , it must have been his magic, I never did find out how he knew. He told me and said he would work something out. Then he disappeared. There were no more nights in the courtyard, he stopped coming. I went daily to the Gallows courtyard, but there was no sign of him. I did not know if he had left me because of the baby or if he had been caught sneaking out. I was afraid to ask anybody. What if they told me he had been made tranquil? That thought was the worst in my head, to see him again, but for him not to feel anything for me. I couldn't have borne hearing that. I would rather have heard that he was dead. Every night I cried into my pillow after staring out into that courtyard and seeing no one.

Three months passed and I had no idea what I was going to do. My parents were planning my engagement party. You were only beginning to show as the smallest of bumps. Then one evening as I was sitting with your grandmother, a great banging sounded at the door. Your father and Maurevar Carver came crashing in. I fainted on the spot. It was Maurevar that was beside me when I came round. Your father and grandmother were shouting at each other. I just remember being glad that my secret was out. Your father turned to me and asked me if I was ready to run away with him. My mother knew what my answer was before the yes even escaped my lips. She screamed at me, wept as she asked if I realised what this would do to the family. Eventually she stopped, "Why would you do this Leandra? Why?"

"Because I love him." I replied.

So that was why I went on the run with your father. Dodging Templars all through the Free Marches, my belly getting bigger and bigger all the time. That time was when your father was at his worst. Mostly he was angry at the circle for not making it possible for mages to love and marry like all other people had the right to, but there were times when he railed at me. I had never worked a day in my life, never had to look after myself, never had been poor. He always apologised afterwards, but I knew I had to learn and learn quickly. It was the week before you were born that we arrived in Ferelden. An old woman in a hut helped me bring you into the world, but we couldn't stay still. By that time your father's anger had gone as had the spoilt noble rich girl that I had been. It was years before we settled in Lothering. You must remember some of that time. He became the man I had seen that first day at the Gallows and I have regretted nothing. My only wish is that he could see you now. He would be so proud."

Hawke gets up from the chair to go and stand behind her mother at the window and puts her arms around her, replacing the warmth of the sun as it slowly sinks below the skyline. They stand like this until the sky goes dark and Hawke moves to go and light a candle.

"Wait, just a few more minutes." Leandra whispers, "Just watch." The minutes pass before movement outside catches her eye.

"I thought he would tonight, he's done this for weeks now. It's not every night, but most of the nights you are here and not out tearing up the town he stands watch."

It is the faint light from his tattoos that give him away. Hawke holds her breath as she sees Fenris tuck himself in an alcove.

Her mother turns to face her, "Your elf does not hate you. If he's angry, it's not at you, just give him time. Like your father, he'll be the man you see that no one else can when he's worked it out."

"Thank you for telling me about you and father." Hawke gives a small laugh, "And there I was, standing at your door thinking I was going to be made to start going to afternoon teas and balls so you could find a good match for me!"

"Dear Maker girl, you didn't actually believe me when I said I would need to find a husband for you, did you? I was just teasing! I would never put you through all that nonsense. Besides, there are already whispers about you being an apostate. You haven't been as discreet as your father taught you to be. No self respecting nobleman would think twice about you as a catch, not unless he was really desperate for coin."

"Great! So the only way I can get a nobleman is if I buy one?"

"Darling, I hear these noble people talk. There are many of them who talk of you with interest, young men who are less than polite about their thoughts of you. Don't think they would turn you away if you wished to spend your time with them, but marry you? That is different, the families here don't want magic in their line. My parents thought to marry me to the Comte for the very reason that it would reduce the risk. I hear that his youngest son is in the circle, so magic did not miss his line after all. There are no guarantees with any match, but with you it would be a certainty. Nobles don't marry for love. They marry for coin, for breeding potential, for power. I would not match you with any of them, they have forgotten about their honour.

Your elf out there has more honour in his little finger than all the nobles in Kirkwall put together. That you would look past the slave to see the man, says much of you. That he is an elf only fuels my fear that you will live your life on the outskirts as I did with your father. It won't be easy for either of you, never quite accepted in any society. It is a life I would not wish for you. But I would rather that for you than see you tied in a loveless match, miserable for the rest of your days.

I'm glad you were able to get this house for us, but not for the social advancement. I grew up in this house, I find it a great comfort to be back here, but I would give it all up in a second to be back on that Lothering farm with your father if I could."


	10. Chapter 10

Another missing scene. Sorry they are not in order now, but I'm sure you'll figure it out!

"The Way Back"

There it was again, the faint tingle at the back of his mind that brought a fleeting image of a young elven girl, smiling at him with eyes the same colour as his own. With it came a wave of feelings he found hard to place, never felt before he had met Hawke. A wave of warmth that fills him completely and makes him want to smile. He frowns at the expected pain which comes as the memory passes. This is not pain he is used to dealing with. No healing potion takes it away and he has tried many. This pain inside will linger for days he knows now, that leaden feeling in his gut that will make all food taste like dust and turn all wine sour.

He knows he will linger in the 'Hanged Man' now, drinking stale beer to try and numb it for a while, giving Varric all the ammunition he needs to justify his taunting of his brooding. He will stay until Hawke walks in, then he will leave. Seeing her will just bring the ache back tenfold and that is too much to bear. Then he will wander back to that empty, dirty mansion and drink more until he knocks himself unconscious. When he wakes he will practise with the sword until his muscles scream out and take over with pain he knows how to deal with, masking that other pain, and then he will return to the 'Hanged Man' to start the pattern all over again. One morning he will wake up and his head will feel clear despite the hangover, then he knows it has passed ...until the next time.

He wants to blame Hawke for starting all this. If she hadn't kissed him and taken him to her bed, none of this would ever have happened. Could she have known what it would do to him?

He stares at the red scarf tied around his wrist, the reminder that he turned away from her. What has this mage done to him? How did it end up like this?

Frustrated and angry he picks up the sword ready to leave once again for the tavern, ready to lose himself once more at the bottom of a beer glass.

"Fenris? Are you up there?" A voice calls out, not one he is familiar with until he walks to the top of the stairs and looks down to see the guardsman standing there. The man who has the normally level headed and strong willed Aveline falling apart at the edges and stumbling over herself.

"Donnic? What are you doing here? Do the guards need to change again?"

Donnic shrugs, "No, not just yet. I've got the evening off, Aveline's working late again. I didn't fancy spending my time losing at cards at the 'Hanged Man'. Isabella and Varric are way too good at it. I knew you were having trouble as well. I thought if we practiced together we might get the hang of it and figure out how we might not lose to them as often."

"You want to play cards?" Fenris asks suspiciously and Donnic decides to come clean,

"Truth be told, Aveline asked me to look in on you, says you've been more, as she says, 'broody' of late. I've no idea what that really means, but I'm here and I thought we might better spend some time doing something useful instead of me feeling like Aveline has just given me orders for my down time."

Fenris smirks at Donnic; he is one of the few men Fenris has ever met where he doesn't feel like the man is out to get something from him. He is honest and down-to-earth. Someone he feels like he could trust. A rare thing in his life so far. This might be better at distracting him from those thoughts he can't quite get a handle on.

"Come on up then, can't have you getting the hard end of Aveline. Cards sound good. I am getting fed up of losing to those sharks. It might be good to beat them at their own game."

Donnic pulls out cards from his pocket and moves to sit at the table while Fenris grabs a cup and fills it with wine for his guest.

"What do you want to play?" Donnic asks as he shuffles the cards.

"How about that 'Diamondback? I still don't know all the rules for that one."

"That's the easy bit for me, too many hours spent sitting in the barracks when that man Jevens was in charge. We brought the cards out to pass the time. I know the rules for all the games, but I've never got to grips with the subtle nuances of game play. The other guards are always too keen to win to share that stuff with you."

The rules get explained and after a couple of hands where Fenris picks up on the rules they settle into comfortable game play.

"What brought you to Kirkwall Fenris?" Donnic asks as he studies the hand he has been dealt. Fenris continues to study his own hand whilst answering,

"I was a slave. I ran away from my master. What brought me to Kirkwall was the chance that I could pin down a magister long enough to kill him and truly become a free man at last." He gives a sardonic chuckle and places a card on the table, "Didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to though."

"What happened?" Donnic asks as he puts a card down and picks up another,

"I was a good bit north of Kirkwall when one of his hunters caught up with me, or so I thought. I now think the bastard was ordered to his own death by Danarius. Before I killed him the man screamed out that if I wanted Danarius, he was heading to Kirkwall. Said that he was getting more lyrium to etch into my skin for when he caught up with me. As the Chantry controls lyrium trade in Thedas, I knew the only way he could get it was to smuggle it. If I could expose him to the authorities in Kirkwall, I knew it would give me a chance to get to him while he was held up wriggling out of the charges against him. A chance to get to him outside of Tevinter. It was the first time I had a head start on him. Instead of him following me, I could follow him."

"Sounds like a good plan, but I don't remember the guard ever holding a magister."

"He never did get held up. I knew Danarius; I knew he was a clever bastard. The possibility that it was a trap did occur to me, which was why I decided to hire a decoy. I met an elf named Athenril, a small time smuggler who knew the routes for smuggled lyrium. She got the information on where the pick-up was and put me in touch with Anso the dwarf who arranged for someone to intercept it. It was too much of a risk to do it myself. I held back and kept watch on the pick-up point, waiting to see who would turn up. I almost missed them when they did. I'd been watching for two days without sleep and had dozed off when they arrived, the screams of the dying woke me up in time to dispatch the hunters at the rear." he shakes his head and gives a small laugh, "When I walked down those stairs all I saw was four figures surrounded by a pile of carcasses, staring at me. I had not thought that Danarius would send such a large contingent of bounty hunters to take me down, but they had made short work of all of them. I was impressed. Had I tried to do it myself, I would surely have been caught. These four had saved me without even knowing who I was."

The edges of Donnic's mouth curl up, "I can imagine what they looked like, I've seen them fight, it's a pity you missed them in full flow. But what about the pick up? Was the lyrium there?"

The disappointment shows clear on Fenris' face. "No, only an empty chest. No lyrium meant I had no evidence to give to have Danarius held charged with smuggling. As soon as they told me I knew I had little time. My only chance was to confront Danarius immediately. Hawke agreed to help me. I thought he was in this house, but he had left before I got here, leaving behind only traps of demons and shades." Another card is discarded and replaced.

"Why did you stay? Why not give chase and find him again?"

"There was no trail to follow; besides, I owed Hawke for helping me. The coin I had did not cover the work they had done on my behalf. I thought this house belonged to Danarius and was sure he would return to it at some point. For the first time since running away, I could stand still for a while; all I had to do was wait." Fenris places his cards on the table," I think I might have you this time."

Donnic laughs, "I think you do my friend, you deal the next round." He watches as Fenris shuffles and then deals out the cards. As he picks up his hand, he looks at the elf curiously before looking at what cards he has, "What did you think of Hawke and her friends when you first met them?"

Fenris closes his eyes for a moment, picturing the scene in his head, "I don't remember thinking too much of them immediately, other than being impressed by their ability to dispatch so many bounty hunters, like I said. It was later after the failure to find Danarius that I really had time to form any idea of what they were about. I remember thinking Carver was a young, foolish, impulsive boy who would be good with his sword if he could only get comfortable in his own skin. Varric was the first clean shaven dwarf I have ever seen, it was hard to think past that, but he was too good with his crossbow to underestimate his capabilities. Your Aveline just stared at me, she gave me a moment's pause, and it crossed my mind that she might succeed where the bounty hunters had failed. My first instinct with Hawke was complete distrust, she had used magic. I felt I had just escaped one trap to fall immediately into another. To be beholden to a mage...it did not sit well with me." He sighs as he returns to looking at his cards, "What did you think when you first met them?"

Donnic chuckles, "I thought Andraste had returned with her army just for me! I knew Aveline since she started with the guard. Hawke I had only caught glimpses of when she came to see Aveline in the barracks. The night they rescued me was the first time I saw Hawke use magic. I was surprised that Aveline's friend was an apostate, but I was so grateful for not being dead. If Aveline wasn't going to turn her in to the Templars, then neither was I. It wasn't until later when Aveline told me the story of what they had gone through to get to Kirkwall that I appreciated why. The two of them are more like family to each other. You and Hawke have become close since you first met, have you not?"

Fenris stares hard at the cards in front of him, feeling those twinges return. Up until now this has worked well as a distraction. Had anyone else asked this question of him he would have sent them away, but he is finding it strangely comforting talking with Donnic. The man has shown nothing but respect for him, not tried to be a judge of his actions. His questions are only those of the genuinely interested.

"Yes...and no."

"What does that mean?" Donnic asks, his curiosity only piqued even more. Fenris looks at Donnic, not ready to reveal too much of himself just yet,

"Tell me Donnic, how do you know that Aveline is the woman for you?"

Donnic shrugs, "She fills in the gaps, with her I feel ...whole. It feels like before I met her I was merely existing. She frustrates and annoys me at times, but it all just adds to the wonderful melting pot that is 'us'. I'll have to marry her soon, make it all official, maybe then the rest of the guard will stop teasing me."

"You would marry her?" Fenris asks, a little shocked that Donnic would be so open with him.

"Why not? I know how I feel about her; it just lets her know it too. I love her, that's all there is to it. Is that not how you feel about Hawke?"

Fenris hangs his head, "I don't know. There are contradictions. I have no trust for mages, yet I think I can trust her. She will smuggle, steal and kill for coin, yet sometimes she gives away all profit to help complete strangers. I know she helps mages escape the circle, yet there are Templars who also ask for her help. I find myself drawn to her, wanting to spend time with her, feel my spirits lift when she looks at me or talks with me, yet just the sight of her causes me the utmost pain and I run from her. I would leave Kirkwall, but I have to stay and wait. I need to stay focused and be ready for when Danarius comes for me, Hawke shifts that focus and I fear that if it shifts too much I will not be ready. If I am not ready, Danarius will claim me and I will never be truly free."

Donnic nods his head, "A honeyed trap you are caught in indeed, but what do you mean she causes you pain? Does she hurt you, abuse you? I know she will break laws that will have Aveline's moral compass swirling, but I have never known her to be deliberately cruel to any of her companions."

Fenris stares at the cards in front of him, not seeing the symbols on them, to answer these questions he needs to talk of things he has talked to no one else about. Years as a slave has taught him that these things should not be spoken, slaves are not allowed to feel or express what is in their minds, to do so will mean further abuse or worse. Donnic has him talking more about himself than he ever has, even more than those conversations with Hawke. Is this what being free means? Letting other people see what is inside? He gets a glimpse of insight and suddenly understands a small part of it. Being free means taking the risk to let someone see part of you, risking ridicule and hurt and allowing yourself to feel. Whether these feelings are right or wrong is of no matter, they are yours and cannot be taken from you.

Donnic has sat patiently, giving Fenris the time to gather his thoughts and think how he might answer. He deserves respect from him and Fenris takes the risk, a leap of faith that this man will not abuse the trust he now places in him.

"For Danarius I was not solely a bodyguard. Yes he would make me light up these markings, have me demonstrate how I can rip hearts from inside another's body. Party tricks to intimidate his rivals and make them pause before challenging him. I stood at his side, his puppet to manipulate however he saw fit. He made me train with the sword daily, always watching, always without armour on, delighting in watching my whole body light up, sending out wisps of magic to heal instantly any cuts when a sparring partner managed to get through my defences." Fenris pauses before going on, finding it hard to keep the bitterness and shame from his voice, "Danarius not only required me to protect his sorry carcass, he would make me pleasure it. Every moment of every day , in every action, he made it clear how much I was property to him. He was all I knew. Every action I took was to please him. He was my whole world. My understanding of jealousy came from Hadriana. She hated that I was with him most of the time. She took every opportunity to abuse me further, refusing my meals, pinching my skin causing excruciating pain, testing her blood magic spells on me, leaving me unmarked so Danarius would not know, a multitude of little abuses that made me believe that Danarius was the one who cared for me. I knew nothing else.

It was not until I was left with the Fog Warriors that I learnt there was another way to live. That others could care for you and not hurt you. I watched them with their children, with each other and learnt of respect and honour. They clothed me and fed me, made me part of their family. Asked nothing of me in return. I began to see that Danarius cared nothing for me, only for what I could do for him. When he returned for me I thought I had no choice but to go back with him. I am ashamed that I did not see what choice I did have until all the Qunari lay dead at my hands.

Since running from Seheron I have felt little but rage. Rage at mages who have the power to subjugate all in their path, rage at those who will force others to their will, rage at a world which allows these things to happen and rage at myself for allowing them to do the same to me." He breathes deeply, trying to control the anger that rises as he talks of these things,

"Meeting Hawke changed everything. I did not believe any mage capable of thinking beyond their own needs and desires, willing to sell their soul in their greed for power. I did not want to be beholden to a mage and was bitter that I had let myself get caught in another's web. But Hawke is different. She has all the sensibilities of the Fog Warriors , but the same power as Danarius. I found myself beginning to care for her, wanting her friendship. She offered something more and I found myself wanting that too.

I have lain with Hawke only once. It was beautiful and wondrous, unlike Danarius she gave pleasure freely, did not take it. I was unaware that it could be like that. In that one act I understood what people mean when they say they feel whole, as you did when you talked of Aveline. Yet at the moment when I felt peace for the first time, a door opened in my head. Everything I had ever experienced in my life was spread before me. For a brief moment I knew who I was and who I had been. Then the door closed and with that came a searing pain and it was gone. I was unable to make sense of it and so I left her and I cannot return. Since then, one memory is all there is and it leaves an ache that I cannot fathom. If I go back to Hawke I fear that it will happen again and the ache will be made worse. I do not know how she did this to me, I do not think it was intended and however badly you might think of me, it cannot be worse than how I think of myself."

Donnic feels anger build up inside himself, he has heard this story so many times from prisoners he has arrested. People used and abused by those who should protect them leading them into lives of crime because they have never learnt that the world can be kind to them. Fenris does not know how lucky he was to have been abandoned with the Fog Warriors, the chance to experience for himself how different the world can be. His anger will be no use to helping his friend now, so he lets it go and finds instead the compassion to try and help him move forward,

"No Fenris, I do not think badly of you, but I feel badly for you. To find what you have with Hawke is a special thing, but you would give her up because of fear? This pain you talk of, I think I might know why that happened." Donnic places his cards face down on the table and clasps his hands,

"The Templars talk, when they have had a few drinks, their tongues loosen and speak too loudly of things they should keep quiet. You know their job is to watch for rogue mages, capture apostates and enforce Chantry law. They are but people, they are not Gods and subject to all the frailties the rest of us are. Liaisons between Templars and mages are frowned upon, but they do happen. Anders would tell you that in Ferelden, they turn a blind eye, but here in Kirkwall Meredith is harsher. Still, the threat of tranquillity for a mage or banishment for the Templar is not sufficient to stop it happening. Some Templars will boast of their conquests, some will laugh at getting one up on their superiors and others will pour tears into their drinks as they speak of the love for their magical partner. What a few talk of is the way they are healed by their mage, it seems that during the act of love making, those mages with healing ability will leak it out, mending the wounds and hurts of their lover. Not one of those Templars ever talks of leaving their mage, they are the ones who try to find a way out, break the laws, escape the circle. I think that is what happened to you, your memories were wiped out when your tattoos were put on you. I do not think Hawke harmed you, but healed some of the damage that was done to you. Your pain is the pain of now knowing what you have lost. The pain you feel on seeing her is simply that of denying yourself. Hawke has started a healing process for you, if you can't go back to her heal yourself and your fear will diminish. Find your way back to her Fenris, if you do not you will never escape the pain. I have seen those Templars who have lost their mage through tranquillity or not surviving the Harrowing. It is not pretty; they are husks of their former selves. Most take their own lives. I would not like to see that happen to you. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you love that woman. I think I both envy and pity you. You have chosen a hard path."

Fenris feels a flash of anger; could Hawke have used magic on him without his knowing? "Did she use magic to make me feel for her? Are these feelings not mine? Has she placed them in me, or forced me to have them?" he demands.

Donnic gives a sardonic grin, "No my friend, those feelings are all your own. From what I know mages can only influence emotions for a short time, any lasting ones are real."

Can this really be what happened? Yet even as he asks himself the question he knows it to be true. Hawke hadn't hurt him, she had healed him, and brought back the memories he had thought were lost forever. She had given him a gift and he had thought it was a curse. Danarius had only ever healed him on the surface, as his caring of him had been. Never cared enough to heal the damage he had caused. Hawke had gone deep, healing the hurts caused long ago, could this be how she showed how much she cared for him? He shakes his head, his distrust of mages and their spells was just too great. He cannot go back to her, he was not ready to let another mage get that close to him again, even if that mage was Hawke. Was Donnic right, could he heal himself without magic? Maybe pushing the memory aside by drowning it in alcohol was not the answer. He brings it forward and remembers the girl with the same eyes as his own. Hadriana had said he had a sister, this must be her. She is smiling at him, she doesn't hate him. He still feels the pain, but lets it come, he knows it's name now, it is called grief, for a life lost and forgotten. Danarius is the one who took it from him and he will pay for that, but how much of that life can he claim back?

As for Hawke, Donnic may be right, maybe he does love her, but what does he know of love? All he has ever known is abuse, fear and hate. The witch had been right, the chains were still unbroken, and until they were he would not be free to explore what it meant. Without Hawke's magic could he even begin to heal himself? It was a risk, by the time he found out she might not be there for him to find his way back to. She deserved better than this fractured, fragile, mental mess of an elf.

"Donnic, do you think Aveline might help me find my sister?"

Donnic still sits with his hands clasped in front of him and gives Fenris a small smile, "I'm sure she would. I have some contacts at the docks, they might be able to help as well." He picks up the cards again, "What about this game? I think I might do better this time."


	11. Chapter 11

Another missing scene. Sorry they are not in order now, but I'm sure you'll figure it out!

'After the Fade'

Fenris paces the floor, back and forth, back and forth, all the while muttering Tevinter curses under his breath. She will come, he knows and be like she always is, understanding and forgiving, she won't blame him. She will absolve him of all responsibility. All the guilt he felt for leaving her will come rushing back and there will be even more because he has hurt her again. He doesn't want that, he wants her to scream and shout at him, tell him how she can't trust him to help her out any more and that she will leave him to rot in this big empty luxurious hovel, how he can find someone else to teach him reading and he can forget about help when Danarius comes.

Damn the woman, she can ask anything of him and he will do it. He is more of a slave to her than he ever was to Danarius. How did he end up such a fool? He hears the door open and her footsteps as she comes through the entrance hall, the hesitation before she climbs up the stairs. Good, this is different, most of the time she marches straight up, confident in her stride, keen to talk with him and resolve whatever problem it is this time. She's not sure this time and so she should be.

Her steps are tentative as she approaches the door to the room. Enough of this procrastination! He marches to the door,

"Come to gloat, have you? Make fun of the elf who wants to be a mage after telling everyone how much he hates them? Don't beat about the bush Hawke, come here and tell me how it is. I can take it!"

He turns his back on her to march back into the room and then turns around to face her again, "Why did you take me into the fucking Fade? That abomination of a friend of yours will be lapping this up, ready to throw it in my face every time he sees me and as for the dwarf, he will tell tall tales to all and sundry of how Hawke once again saved the day by killing some other poor possessed devil. Why would you do it? Tell me why?"

He sees the flash in her eyes as the hesitation disappears and she almost runs at him, "Because you are the one bastard in the world I thought I could be sure would spit in the face of a demon and laugh at any temptations they thought they could offer you!" She pokes her finger at his chest, "Because I thought if I succumbed you would be the only one that could get me out of it! Because if that demon Justice played around too much with Anders, I knew you wouldn't hesitate to put a stop to any of his nonsense. Because in the Fade I know my magic might not be enough and I want a damned good sword at my back. Because I knew this time it wouldn't be pissy little demons trying to find a silly weak mage to possess, this was for Feynriel, a Dreamer, the first in two ages, the big guns would be out and I needed a friend at my back because I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done if it all went wrong. If you need any more reasons I'm sure I can think of them, but I think all those are reasons enough! Before we went in you had given me no reason to think any of them were bad!" She steps back from him and folds her arms in front of her,

"So you tell me elf, at what point did you ever hint to me that being a mage would be all your dreams come true?"

Fenris gulps, never has he felt his anger drain out of him so quickly. How did she do it? Get straight to the nub of the thing and this time without all the quiet understanding that usually preceded it.

"I..I didn't know." He hangs his head, unable to look her in the eye,

"Wrong answer." He hears her give a large sigh, all her own anger leaving with the breath, "For Maker's sake Fenris, please don't do this, don't become the slave again, I'm not your master and I haven't come to punish you. I can't do this when you act like that. Get angry at me again if you need to but please don't back down." He winces as he realises what he has done, slipped into the old habits of behaviour when he knew Danarius was unhappy with him. This whole affair has done him no good at all. He feels that he is going backwards not forwards in his need for freedom.

"Argue with me, tell me why that demon was able to get to you. Tell me why I had enough doubt about you in my head that I listened to Marathari when she told me to make sure I removed all your enhancements before we went in."

"You did what?" The shock at what she has just said snaps him out of his passivity.

"She warned me, to be careful before going in. Demons are such sneaky bastards, they mess with your head and offer you things you didn't think you wanted. I knew if they got to you, I wouldn't be able to defend myself unless you were weakened. I did just enough to make sure I could. I just never thought I would need to."

Fenris gives a wry grin, "It's not only the demons who are sneaky bastards then. You cheated." He accuses.

"So what? I'm a mage, it's nothing less than you expect of me, right?"

"Better than using blood magic, I suppose." He admits grudgingly. "But that doesn't excuse me, I betrayed you. I tried to kill you! That a demon could persuade me so easily, disturbs me."

"As it should. Demons are disturbing."

"I failed you, turned against you so easily." He feels his anger rise again when he remembers what happened, " You hesitated! You waited before attacking me, Anders and Varric had no qualms about putting me out of action. Why didn't you? Did you think about leaving me to be possessed?"

"You bastard! You stand there and accuse me of being ready to leave you to your new found demon best buddy! You will not even grant me the time to pause for one moment because my friend chose to betray me! I have helped you every time Danarius has come close to taking you back, helped you keep that precious freedom that you don't even begin to understand, given you my word that should that monster ever come back again, I will be there to fight with you to my last breath! Yet you would throw that all away because some demon gave you a better offer! There was little of hesitation in you when you accepted his offer. I hesitated, yes, but not because I was ready to leave you, just that you were so willing to leave me!"

He bangs his fist on the table, there it is. Once again he has done something that should make her hate him, make her think twice about having him around and she still won't go, but he is not ready for that conversation now.

"But you didn't even flinch in slaying that sloth demon, you weren't even tempted to listen to what he had to say? Is there no part of you that isn't curious? What makes you so strong when the rest of us around you are all so weak? "

"My father always told me that no matter what demons offered, there was nothing they could offer that I couldn't get for myself if I wanted it badly enough. The only thing that monstrosity could have offered me would be to have my father, mother and sister back and even demons can't bring people back from the dead. Like I told that thing, I don't do deals with demons."

Determined to place the fault back at her he spits out, "It might have helped if you had told me that before we went in."

Fenris turns to stare into the fire. She doesn't know it, but she's shaking all his beliefs again. If all mages could be as strong willed as her there really would be no need for Circles. Her father had obviously taught her well, he should have been a first enchanter. And what of his own will power? Where had it gone to? All that Pride demon had to do was dangle the prospect of dealing with Magisters as an equal and he had crumbled. As soon as the idea had been voiced he had wanted it. Had wanted it so badly he was prepared to kill his friend to get it. If he was honest with himself, he still wanted it. Oh Maker, that was why Hawke was here. She wanted to make sure he wasn't to be tempted again and he couldn't promise that he wouldn't.

"Let's just hope we don't have to do it again." He says, trying to deflect and halt this conversation, he knows he should know better when talking with her,

"Not good enough Fenris. I want to know why someone so dead set against Magisters would want to become one of them."

Fenris barks back at her, "That's not what he offered! I do not want to be a Magister! He offered vengeance for all those slaves, I could have freed them all!"

"Is that what you really thought he said? He offered vengeance, Fenris, not freedom, for you and no one else. That is the trap he laid before you. Do you really think that alone you could do what Andraste could not with an army at her back? He would empower you with magic beyond your wildest dreams, let you kill a few magisters, then take over your body so he could experience the world and kill every slave, servant, elf, dwarf or human he could find until something stronger came along to stop him. You would be trapped inside, unable to do anything, a silent witness to the destruction you allowed to be unleashed in the world."

He glares at her. Damn this woman, it's like she picks out all his insides to have a good look and then puts them all back in the wrong place.

"Fine Hawke, you win. Demons are bastards and I'll wear ear plugs the next time you drag me into the Fade."

Hawke puts her head in her hands in exasperation and sits on a bench, "Fenris please, let go of this need for vengeance. While it stays, Danarius is still your Master and you are still his slave. Freedom is a way of thinking, it will not be found at the end of your sword."

"I am free Hawke, I have been since I ran from Seheron. Free to pay that bastard back for what he has done to me. He will find only death at the end of my sword."

She looks at him in quiet resignation, "It might seem so, but if you were truly free you would know you have the choice to put your hatred of him aside."

"Be careful Hawke, you are beginning to sound like Sebastian."

"Ha! Could you ever see me as a chantry priestess? The Maker himself would return just to chuck me out! Can't you see? The chantry, the mages, the templars, they are all enslaved every bit as much as you are by their hatred. Until they can let it go they will never resolve their problems, just as you won't."

Fenris' face softens as he looks back at her. Maker, she is beautiful and she tries so hard with him. She is right, he knows, but he can't do this, not even for her. Not yet. His hand touches her cheek, "You are asking me to forgive Danarius, but I can't do that. What I will do is think long on what your father taught you, maybe I will make things happen myself and demons will have nothing they can tempt me with. That is all I can promise for now."

"That is enough."


	12. Chapter 12

'Cocks & Hens'

Hawke laughs at Aveline's apparent discomfiture when Bhodan guides them into the study. She hopes the look on her face is not the one she will wear tomorrow. Donnic might just turn tail and back out if he sees that expression. The woman looks so vulnerable without her armour. Hawke wonders for a moment if she actually sleeps in it as well. Maker help Donnic if she does.

"You didn't need to put the blade at my back Isabella; I might have come without it." Aveline turns to glare at Isabella, the daggers in her eyes trying to compete with the one behind her.

"Oh no you wouldn't! Brennan here told me all about you telling her to prepare herself for a late night. Paperwork on the eve of your wedding, it's disgusting!" Isabella scoffs at her, "My blade is the only thing keeping you from running back there and don't think for one moment that I'm not prepared to use it!"

Aveline turns her daggered stare on guardsman Brennan, "Don't snigger girl, I'll remember all the things we didn't get done tonight, and you'll pay for all of them when I get back!"

"You've trained them well enough Aveline; they'll manage fine without you for a few weeks." Hawke stifles her giggles as Aveline jumps with the slight jab of the dagger at her back that Isabella gives her forcing her to move into the room.

"Ooh! Look at it all!" Merrill skips in to pass them, her eyes drinking in the streamers and balloons decorating the room. She approaches the food-laden table that Orana is still arranging, "Look there's cakes! I love cakes and they are so pretty, pink icing and they're shaped like..." Merrill's sudden intake of breath leads all heads to turn at what has made her words dry up.

"Nice one Hawke, you know how I love stuffing man bits into my mouth!" Isabella gives a shudder obviously taking the time to sift through memories of times when real 'man bits' were stuffed in it.

"Hawke, how could you?" Aveline looks at her, distaste at her friend's ability to disappoint her through her actions again written all over her face.

Hawke laughs back at her, clearly not caring what Aveline might think, "That's nothing, and wait until you see what I've set up for target practice." And she thrusts a sparkling tiara on Aveline's head. "Brennan, open that big bloody cask in the corner, it's about time we found out what was in it!"

* * *

><p>Fenris tries not to let his dislike of the place show as he and Donnic enter the 'Blooming Rose', trying to remember whose great idea it was to do this thing here. Oh yes, it was Anders, yet another reason given to ending the man's time in this world.<p>

"It's our duty to remind the man of all the delicacies he's choosing to deny himself. You don't think Aveline will let him come anywhere near this place after they are married do you?" he had asked and Varric had immediately agreed with him. At least Sebastian had been more circumspect, but more worried about the Chantry finding out that he was tempting his resolve again than any worry over giving Donnic a suitable send off in a brothel the night before his wedding.

As they move through the room, filled with scantily clad women and men cooing at patrons, Gamlen approaches them,

"Mind if I join you lads, my tab at the bar has been eh...temporarily closed down for a bit." Fenris cannot stand the man, willing to sell his own family into servitude because of his ability to lose coin to his own decadent needs, but he is Hawke's uncle and he does not want this idiot giving her more grief over his financial worries. He grunts his assent and they continue walking to the stairs and make their way to the room that Varric has arranged for them to use for the evening.

Varric, Anders and Sebastian stand to cheer when they walk through the door. Raising their half-filled glasses in the first of many toasts to the condemned man.

* * *

><p>The women all flop down on the sofas after 'target practice' on the man sized stuffed leather phallus that Hawke had had made at Isabella's suggestion. Only Merrill is left standing staring at it, casting a few small lightning spells in an attempt to cause the small bits of stuffing that ooze from its wounds to ignite.<p>

"Damn it Hawke, your idea of party entertainment is crude, but send me to the Maker right now if that wasn't the best fun I've had in ages!" Aveline puffs, her tiara now decidedly askew on her head. Isabella guffaws, "I told you Hawke, I knew she would love slicing at balls and big pricks no matter what form they come in!"

Isabella thrusts another glass of wine at Aveline, "Drink up you sweet, sweet thing and tell us all the details of what your man Donnic does with his big prick."

Aveline drunkenly tilts her head towards her, "None of your damned business whore, but I have to admit I find it reassuring that you don't already know." Tilting her glass at Isabella, she smiles and drinks the entire contents of her glass and holds it out for Brennan to refill it.

"You are such a spoilsport big girl, if you won't tell us that, then what about some of your other conquests?"

"Only my poor, dear, dead first husband and I will not reveal any of his secrets that quite rightly have gone to the veil with him. You will get no smutty entertainment from me."

"What about you Brennan? You all must have lots of fun in those barracks of yours. What about those wild times, dressing and undressing in front of each other, sneaking into each other's bunks, night time frolics when the Captain's out slaughtering the bad guys?"

Brennan looks at Isabella wistfully, "If only it were like that. Most of the time we are too exhausted. If we are not out on patrol, Aveline has us training. My bunk is sadly only for sleeping in."

"Aveline you are a disgrace." Isabella wags her finger at her, "Ease up on them, let them have some fun!"

"They are there to do a job Isabella. Don't think of interfering."

Isabella tuts before turning to Orana, "What about you Sweetie? Do you have any tales of what slaves get up to when their master isn't looking?"

Orana looks at her blankly before bluntly stating, "None, they would kill us if they found out."

Isabella winces, "Well that would put a stop to any of that I suppose. There's no point in searching for stories from Merrill, I know she doesn't have any of those kind and Hawke won't talk about Fenris."

Aveline shakes her head waving her glass in front of her, "You give too easily bitch. Ask Hawke, her mother told me of the many times Templars turned up at their door in Lothering. Always near fainted she said, fearing they had arrived at last to take her away, only to discover they were lovesick idiots wishing to lead her daughter into disrepute rather than the Circle. Had to have words with Ser Bryant on more than one occasion she said."

Isabella's eyes light up as she turns to Hawke who is coughing up the wine that has caught in her throat in shock at Aveline's clever deflection of attention to her, "Oh you naughty little mage, you never mentioned this, do tell."

"I didn't think my mother knew anything of that!" Hawke exclaims.

"That's not all Isabella; her mother also mentioned the trouble she had with the farmer's boys." Aveline sagely nods at Isabella, "Go on, ask her how many tumbles in the hay she's had."

Isabella looks at Hawke expectantly, "Cat's out of the bag now Hawke, might as well tell us everything!"

Even Merrill stops her game with the stuffing wisps as all eyes turn to Hawke.

* * *

><p>"On the table in her office?" Varric asks incredulously, scarcely believing that Donnic might reveal any of his more intimate moments with Aveline.<p>

Donnic gives a short smile, "Almost, she's too much of a traditionalist. Won't let me near her in that way before the ceremony is over."

"Oh you poor, poor man. How can you marry her when you haven't tested the goods first?" Anders screws up his face, horrified at the thought of marrying someone in the first place. "Testing the goods is the best part!"

"Not sure he should push it with Aveline," Varric states, "Not if he wants his tackle to continue working afterwards." All six men shudder at the thought of what Aveline could do to them with her sword and take deep swallows of the beers in their hands.

"Know a bit about 'testing the goods' Anders?" Gamlen asks, desperate to erase the vision of Aveline and her sword and wishing to know more lurid tales of what these men get up to.

"Absolutely old man. I would count them up for you, but I would run out of fingers and toes and my math isn't so good when that happens." Anders waves his beer glass at him, "But I'm not the only one, Sebastian here has managed a few notches on his bedpost. Have you not Prince?"

Had Sebastian not had so many beers he might have railed at the mage for bringing up his past, but he had and a certain nostalgia for his days in Starkhaven has crept into his thoughts.

"Two sisters, at the same time, it was so sweet. I am not sure how I kept up with them. I slept all the next day. That might have been when my father decided the Chantry was what I needed." He drawls his words, closing his eyes and losing himself in the memory for a while. Maybe being in a brothel is what has triggered his thoughts to notice those particular distant memories.

"I just test the barmaids, I can highly recommend them." Varric puts in, "They don't charge me...wait maybe they do, the price of beer on my tab is more than anyone else pays." He shakes his head, laughing into his chest, "Clever bitches, I should have spotted that one before now."

Anders turns to Fenris and spits at him, "How many slaves did your master offer you to test out? How many mages have you left high and dry, leaving them quaking in their shoes after you showed them what you've got hidden under that hide?"

Fenris grits his teeth. He has not had so much to drink that he has lost control, but this mage delights in pushing him towards it. This is supposed to be a celebration for Donnic and he likes him too much to let this abomination provoke him into ruining it. "None." He says simply, hoping Anders will not follow this up.

Anders turns back to Donnic, "What about Hawke ser? Is she not an absolute vision of every fantasy you could have? Don't you wish you could have tried that out before you agreed to sign your life away to Aveline?"

Donnic squirms in his armchair. He has had too many nights' playing cards with Fenris not to know how this line of questioning will hurt him and tries to cut Anders off, "She's not my type, Maker knows Aveline is the one for me."

Anders is not to be deterred, "Varric what about you, does the thought of grinding that sweet backside not keep you awake some nights?"

Varric leans back and closes his eyes, "More than I care to admit Blondie. Watching those peachy cheeks when chasing down work at her back is very distracting. It's just a pity her legs are so long."

"That's what I like best." Mutters Sebastian into his beer glass, "The thought of those wrapped round me while I...ugh! I will never get to make my vows while those thoughts keep me from the Maker."

Fenris can almost feel the hate for him coming from Anders as he turns towards him. Knows that this is what Anders has been leading to,

"Do tell us elf. You are the only one that has had her. Is she as good between the sheets as we and half of Kirkwall think she might be? Does she use her magic to make it even better? I know, because that is what I do." He says wiggling his fingers at him, "A quick zap of the lightning in just the right spots can really make the sparks fly."

"Careful how you answer man, it's my niece you're talking about." Gamlen points out, but not so honourable to tell him to stop or give the other men any grief for what they have said so far.

* * *

><p>Aveline sits smirking drunkenly at Hawke. This is payback for having forced her into coming here, Hawke knows it and Aveline knows it. It has been some time since her mother died and Aveline has never uttered a word of that conversation until now. It still hurts deeply to think of her mother, but she can imagine the mixture of humour and despair her mother's tone would have had in it when talking to Aveline.<p>

"I didn't 'do' all of them!"

Isabella jumps immediately on what she says, "Then that means you did some of them! Come on, spill the beans. What was it like with a Templar? How hot it must have been, what if he had found out about your magic? Oh it gives me shivers just thinking about it."

Hawke scowls at her, "I didn't do it with a Templar! How stupid would that have been? I learned how to flirt with them. That was the best way to distract them from even looking for magic in me. I just got good at it that's all."

Disappointment causes Isabella's face to fall before she gives Hawke a huge smile, "Tell us about the farmer's boys then, you must have done a few of them."

Hawke takes a deep breathe, Isabella will not let this go. "OK, maybe a couple of times, but don't go thinking it was torrid hot sex in barns! Fumbles more that tumbles in hay would be more accurate. Two minutes and it was all over. No self-control from them or me. No story to tell Isabella."

"In that case, you just _have_ to tell us what sex with Fenris is like." Isabella's feline smile says everything. Hawke is trapped like a mouse in her claws.

"Oh, yes please." Begs Merrill, "I want to know what being with an elf is like. Is it better than being with a human? Just so I know before I do anything myself. It must have been _so_ romantic."

"I would like to know what happened between you." Aveline says between slurps from her glass, "Maybe I could fix you two like you fixed me up with Donnic."

"I wouldn't mind having a go at him if you don't want him. Some tips would be nice. He has the most beautiful eyes." Brennan says dreamily.

"Hey! Hands off! You don't get to go there until I'm finished with him first!" Isabella warns the guard. "I want details Hawke. How big he is, how long he lasts. I want to know if he lights up when he..."

"Enough!" Hawke shouts over them all becoming more horrified and embarrassed as each of them speaks. "I'm not telling any of you a damned thing! However, I swear Isabella, you ever go near him, I will make your tits flat and seal up your lady bits! You as well Brennan!"

"So you _do_ plan to go back and drink from that well. I love it when you get angry." Isabella grins, happy to have wheedled some information out of her.

"Is that why you hid your pillow?" Orana says quietly.

Isabella squeals with laughter. Hawke covers her face with her hands. How had it come to this?

"Oh give her a break Isabella. She won't tell and it is very insensitive of us to ask." Aveline slurs her words. "Why don't you give me some tips, it's been a while and I could use them for tomorrow night."

Isabella narrows her eyes as she looks at Aveline, "You haven't been there big girl? Yet you told me it was none of my business, you are a sneaky cow. Never mind." She looks around, "Merrill, hand me over one of those cakes."

The next hour is filled with hoots of laughter and giggles as Isabella demonstrates the ancient art of Fellatio, insisting that they all take a cake and show that her teaching skills have not been wasted. Orana gets a little perturbed by the amount of pink icing that ends up everywhere and makes sure all of hers ends up in her mouth.

* * *

><p>Fenris' first instinct is to flare and phase Ander's heart straight from his body, but before even the first hint of a glow appears, his second instinct kicks in and he stops, thinking maybe his sword would be better, much more painful. Nevertheless, it is his third instinct that decides the next thing he does. This mage is not Danarius; he has caused him no pain. They have fought together many times, saved each other's lives in their times out with Hawke, yet never have they bridged the gap between them. Anders picks at him constantly, calls him a dog, berates Hawke for having gone too close to him, thinks that being a magister would be the best thing ever. Yet he has only ever hurt him with words. Abomination he might be and he may well deserve to die, but let the Templars do that when they eventually catch on to what he is. Whatever he might think, this mage is Hawke's friend, any hopes that she might look favourably on him again would be gone if he was the one to end his life.<p>

In all the battles between them, the mage has fought with words, Fenris struggling to keep up with his quick wit. This time he does not need to be witty, clever, or fast. He just needs to tell the truth. He smiles at Anders knowing this is going to hurt him more than any sword or heart crushing and what is more he will continue to feel that pain for the rest of his miserable existence.

"I don't have the same experience as you have mage, I have nothing to compare. So you tell me, have you ever been with someone who makes you feel like you are the only person in his or her life who matters? Someone who gives everything of their being and still thinks they have not given enough. Someone who's every touch reaches to your core and leaves you breathless with each and every caress? Someone whose kiss leaves its warmth long after their lips have gone on to the next place? When inside them, did you lose the distinction of where you ended and they began? Whose taste is ambrosia and leaves everything else you ever taste again wanting? And in that moment of sweet, sweet ecstasy, more than the pleasure and release, did you know you were home? So in answer to your question, I suspect she is as good as you think, but I think Hawke is very picky over who she allows into her bed. Do you really think you could get there?"

The hurt that flashes in Anders eyes is all that he needs to see to know this is one wound he won't be able to heal no matter how much magic he can muster. He doesn't care, the mage asked for this.

"By the Paragons big fat arses elf, what in the world made you leave her?" Varric asks, hoping that he is not so drunk that he will not remember all this in the morning.

"I'm not good enough for her." He answers not taking his eyes off Anders, the implication clear that the mage is the same.

"A fucking idiot, that's what you are." Varric mumbles.

"A toast then," shouts Sebastian, "To all the idiots in the world who don't know a good thing when they've got it and to Donnic who obviously does."


End file.
